Tuesday, 25 October 2011


Before I start, I am sure Lucas could make this far more poetic and pretty sounding. It's difficult for me to write at all really, but I suppose this gets to the practical sense of it...

Lucas and I had a chat last night.

Well I say chat... I'm gonna sound abusive when I say this but I'm really not.

Lucas told me he wanted to talk to me... I needed to make it clear that I was in charge... So well. I goaded him into attacking me and he spent the next five minutes face down on the floor with me just keeping him from hurting himself from struggling. I'm not sure if you know this already, but he pulled the revolver on Michael the day before.

It's a matter of Wolves... He is one, he doesn't look it, he doesn't act it, but he feels it. Just like me, back in New York.

For want of a better metaphor, part of us are fighting to establish top dog. (God I hate puns...) So I did what I had to to establish that.

He's far worse off than he lets on. I know it. He knows it. So I stayed like that, trying to calm him.

It was only then that I could talk to him. Now that fight was out of the way...


Well. We got to the actual meat of the matter.

He blamed me for leaving him alone.
I established there was no other choice in the matter.
We kissed.
We made up.

That's all there is to it that's important.


Sunday, 23 October 2011

Wolf isn't gone...

I thought there was a chance I could repress that part of me inside my head.

I remember everything I did. Fifteen people are dead because of me, one more handed over to Him to do who knows what to. That little girl may as well be dead...

What's worse... That I killed them, or that I killed them because they reminded me of Lucas?

I can't hand myself in... I don't want to die. Not now. I have so much to live for. Lucas and Josh being the main ones. Plus I just got my life back.

Well... That's about how I am right now.

I'm alive.
It feels good.
I feel guilty as fuck.

A couple of days ago now, I lost it. You can read about what happened here and here.

Long story short, I let Wolf take over at the wrong moment and almost stabbed Michael whilst he was in a state himself. I dropped the ball and it won't happen again. I'm working on getting that urge away, getting Wolf so far into the back of my head that I forget he exists. Maybe then that'll work.

As of today, we apologised to each other and all is well again. Kinda.


Lucas has been in a mood recently. After the lock down and finding out what happened to me, he's been in the kind of mood it takes more than a dearly beloved to get out of. I think he needs to just do something, anything. He has a lot of scars in a lot of places.

On the bright side, his hands are healing nicely. (It must be the good food here.) I'd guess the stitches should be out soon. He heals pretty fast, but apparently his hands are going to be far weaker as a general rule. He was so lucky that his flexor tendon's weren't hurt too badly. Stretched but not torn. He's got reasonable movement in his fingers, grip... Not so much in the effected fingers, but he's working on it.

He tries to be brave, but it doesn't stop him waking up screaming at 4 AM... I wish I could have been there to help him. I really do. All I can do is tell him it was just a dream and that I'm never going to leave his side again.

And that is the truth. I'm with him 'til I die.


Monday, 17 October 2011

I know I said I wouldn't post but...

...you guys have no idea how much of a good mood I'm in.

Joel came out of his room today. Elaine had moved him to his own place on the same floor as me a couple of days back and he'd locked himself up there tight. He looked pale as fuck, but his eyes...

Oh god his eyes. I recognised them, that warmth that I had never seen before in Wolf. I could feel him shaking as he held me and I just held him back, trying not to cry too much.

Admittedly saying "You need a shower." Was not the most romantic thing for me to say at that moment, but it was true. I grabbed some food for him whilst he was showering and brought it up to him.

I can't stop thinking about what happened when I saw his dripping wet body, just in a towel as he moved over to me, kissing me tenderly. He held me close and I squeaked. 

Dammit I don't squeak.

He laughed a little and said "The infection isn't gone but I'm me,  I swear I'm me. I'm mostly me anyway."

I reached up and felt it, the mark shifting like something was living underneath his skin.

On his neck, perverts...

He did the same to me. "Yours is still the same isn't it?" I nodded. Ever since the attack on Haven, since wolf had his little chat with me... Being crucified... I felt it, not a dangerous urge, but one to run away and find The Gentleman. It's been easy to control right now, but I understand how it can be unbearable.

Unbearable enough to cosh your boyfriend.

I sat him down and he ate. How he managed to eat whilst I was curled up against him is odd to me but he managed it anyway. We've been practically conjoined by the hip since this morning.

We've been talking, and kissing, and just doing things that normal couples do...

Oh! and cooking but I'll talk about that a little later.

There are moments where he isn't himself, but they don't last long, like seconds long. I see that stare, but then he's him again, he's smiling.

When I took Joel down to see Elaine, we ended up baking and deciding on a great big party for everyone to enjoy.



Friday, 14 October 2011

Resisting the urge.

Until I leave Hope, don't expect me to keep blogging. Maybe you'll see me around, maybe you won't. But I've decided that I need a little while away just to get my head in the right place and treat this as a rest break.

Well, that and give Josh an education. He's thirteen, he's not even in high school yet and he's running... So I've been spending a couple of hours a day just trying to give him the basics of running and the three R's. (Readin', Ritin', and 'Rithmatick)

Well, that and help Elaine out around the house.

And sometime inbetween that, I've been keeping an eye on Joel. I think he's improving a little bit. He's screaming less. Which could be a good thing...

Anyway, now I go. I'll post again if anything terrible happens, but I'll be fine. I'm sure. :)

Monday, 10 October 2011

Well what do you know?

We've gone full circle.

Once again, we're staying with Elaine.

All three of us are... After staying in Haven, I didn't actually realise how big this was. So many apartments and rooms. I'm impressed at the amount of time Cam must have spent planning and preparing this.

This is his legacy isn't it? To create a place where people can feel safe from Slendy.

We arrived on Sunday, and Joel went away straight after we were settled. What's happening is we're giving him the same treatment as Star got, maybe this time it'll work. Maybe he'll fight it, maybe he'll even become Joel and not Wolf or this confused mix of boyfriend I've got right now.

And well... I chatted to him today... He sounded in pain.

I knocked on the door to hear a "Fuck off." The voice was stressed.
"Are you alright?" I found it difficult to talk with the door between us, I couldn't judge his facial expressions.
"Never better." He growled.
Well his sarcasm gland is still fully functional.
I slumped to the floor, my head pressed against the wood. "Would you mind keeping the sarcasm down a little?"
"Would you mind keeping the talking down a little?" He growled back.

I could imagine everything. His face, the way his lip curls when he's angry. His eyes.

"So, Elaine's got me doing things to try and protect the house. I don't know that much about them, but maybe it'll be helpful." I tried to spark a conversation.
"That's nice. Now please stop talking to me I'm trying to focus here. How long has it been since my last kill? Three weeks?"
I smiled. "Close enough. You've been amazing."
"Not good enough." He screamed through the door.
"Four weeks. Then five, then six, then seven then the rest of my fucking life. The deaths make Wolf happy but they kill Joel. Then Joel fought back and then we both broke at the same time... I suppose it's only right for two parts of me to have the same strength of will. How are you feeling?"

I knew what he was referring to, I remember scratching at the back of my neck idly. "I am alright. I'm surviving."

Wait, what? I was suddenly confused. He was angry at me. And now he's thanking me?
"What for?"
"For visiting me. It gives me someone to fight for. If I can do this, then you can blow away your own demons."
That's what she said?
I smiled at the door. "I did tell you I'd never leave you for as long as you wanted me here. I did promise."
"Doesn't stop it being true."

I stood up. "Good bye Joel... Talk to you tomorrow."

I don't think I have ever missed him so much.


Thursday, 6 October 2011

An Old Friend

We visited Cam today.

Just outside the gate, I found myself straightening my shirt out a little bit, trying to look a little less bedraggled. I had some flowers in my hand. I don't know why I thought these would be his. I dunno, it was just this subconscious thought in the back of my head. I dragged them around for hours, looking to find them out of season.

Joshua was next to me, he understood who we were talking about when we said about an old friend now.

I suppose he was steeling himself.

Joel was just there, present but not entirely there. I suppose that there was a double meaning, maybe this could stir something of Joel back up.

I also confiscated Joel's revolver. The way he kept messing with it got my nerves up. I don't trust this Joel, not as much as I probably should. He said himself that he wasn't my Joel, but he didn't complain when I asked to take the revolver from him. He just stared at me.

It just makes me feel a little sick.

So we walked inside.

I love cemeteries.

They are always so sobering, no matter what your day was like before, you could go to one and suddenly just everything would click into place. And considering the night before, it gave me some clarity.

We walked, and talked, just about nothing much in particular and then I saw it. I spotted it.

"Cameron Hudson
Devoted friend and husband."

Fuck. I'm crying already as I write this, not good.

It was kind of nice. The only plot for two men, allowing Jake and Cam to lie side by side for an eternity. Jake's part of the headstone was already being filled in. I couldn't really read it.

I sat down, holding the flowers like a a toddler with a blanket. This was the first time I'd been near him since the wedding.

I'm not ashamed to say I cried a little bit. The other two joined me, and we talked. Me and Joel, sharing funny stories about our time with the guy. All of those "Remember whens."

About how we were scared, I'd just lost my family, and then Cam just made the two of us so happy to be here, doing something that was utterly insane. We were surviving.

And then he died. It's still terrifyingly beyond me how something so alive can just die. But that was the moment I think I realised. "Holy shit. I can die."

Josh didn't say much, he was too busy looking at the gravestone. For the first time, I saw he was afraid. It wasn't a fear of Slendy thing. It was the same thing I felt. That realisation suddenly clicking.

I asked Joel to look after Josh, and I'd catch up. Neither of them knew Cam really. Well, Joel did, but he's not Joel...

Once I was alone, I placed the flowers down, the petals looking so perfect on the surface of his grave. They had his life. His brightness. His simple love of life.

"See you in whatever comes after, Cam."

I then turned to leave.

I'd spent so long looking for them, it made what they were, feel all the more right.

They were Sunflowers.

Wednesday, 5 October 2011

From bad to worse.

just listen im gonna sleep, now, everything hurts even more.

Everything sucks.

Ok, right now, I'm in Texas, I'm not sleeping... It's difficult to sleep in general for me, regardless of how tired I am, because of the permanent throbbing in the palms of my hands among other reasons. They're kind of healing, but it's going to take a while for a wound (Well... Two wounds.) of that size to actually, you know, get better.

Normally I'd be able to scrape a couple of hours when I'm not on watch, and there is too much to do during the day.

But right now, no. I ran out of codeine two days ago.

Plus Star is in a ton of trouble. 

Plus Joel is seriously making me debate confiscating that revolver.

Plus Joshua keeps going out and looking for his step sister, and, short of tying him up and hanging him from a door frame at gun point, there is nothing I can do.

I know, everything sucks yeah.
I know everything sucks woah.
I know everything sucks yeah.
And this is the last time you'll here me compl

Fuck I'll post again later.