Thursday, 1 December 2011

Dead Man Post

First written on the 22nd of July 2011
Last edited: 20th of November 2011

Hi! Joel here!

If you're reading this, then we're likely both dead.

We wrote this post as like, a dead man switch, if one of us didn't update the time every ten days, then this would post.

I just wanted to say thank you I guess.

These messages are from the both of us.

Cam: You are this wonderful person and everyone should love you for that. You brightened our lives just for taking me and Lucas in that first day. I wish you and Jake the best in your marriage. Also Lucas kind of had a bit of a crush on you. Sorry about that. :3 Edit from Lucas: I know that you won't read this, but everything you did for us, even after you died. I thank you.

Elaine: Just know that you are this wonderful, brave woman, who's first response to any stimulus is to blame herself. So don't. We're not that good at being soppy to anyone but each other, but follow what that thing in your chest, which pumps the blood, (Lucas assures me it's a heart.) tells you to do. Thank you for helping us help you help us all. :)

DeMii: You've been a good friend, look after Lulls for us. It's a shame we didn't see her. Those emails, chatting to you, they meant so much to me.

Nick: You treat Elaine well, you hear me? Otherwise I'll dickpunch you from the grave. Comprende? (Actually scrap that, this goes to Shawn.) :)

Rachael: Keep alive, you hear me? You are not a bad person, I saw that when we met. You're a lovely person who helped me through the shit that was happening. Thank you so much.

Mystery: Your wise words always helped me get my head right, and thank you for the offer to stay with you guys, I am sorry I couldn't. I always imagined where you were as a haven. Edit: And now I have, well, I'm glad I met you. I'm glad I met all of you. <3

Shady: Keep strong Ma'am. We'll miss you, and show those government fuckers who's boss.

Schrödinger: Keep finding your balance darling, what you did meant a lot to a lot of people. I am sorry that what happened, did happen.

Spencer: You're an intriguing man, and you said some comforting words to Lucas when he needed something said at the wedding. Thank you. Also, see: Nick.

Josh: Just know that we care about you, ok? You are probably the reason we haven't torn each others throats out. Even if you did decide to call us "The Gays..." Seriously? What kind of nickname is that?!

Lis: Your hugs were awesome, you made me smile when things weren't so great. Also the scarfs, just little things that let us know that people actually like us. Thank you.

Tia and Blake: You two are adorable, keep alive. :)

Opal: Keep strong, keep fighting it. I know it's difficult but you have to keep fighting it.

Messenger: I know you're going to read this post before it gets out, I just want to say that you're a good person in a bad situation. Just keep remembering that. Also, this post... I would rather like it to be the last on the blog. If you wish to do a report, then post now. If not, we'll we won't be able to force you dear. This is a good mechanism anyway.

Ember: Darling, don't worry about whatever happens. One, you're not a monster. I'm sure you'll find that third option of yours. ~Lucas

And that's about it, I think. If I missed anyone, I'm seriously sorry.

Lucas wanted to say something on his own, I'll just pass the phone over to him:

I sold my old family home and arranged for money to be sent to a friend back home so we can be repatriated to the UK. He knows nothing about this... This life. And all I wish is that we are buried together.

I have friends back in the UK, they probably don't know what happened. I've got letters to send to them, that I lived a wonderful life.

None of it's true apart from this wonderful life. With Joel. With Josh. With Elaine for a large part of it. :)

If there's one thing I don't want us to be remembered by, it's what we did in this life. What I want us to be remembered by is hope. The bright side. That things can always get better, even if they look like they can't.

There's this ancient story from China, called The Butterfly Lovers.

You should read it, it is a beautiful story. This is just from memory, sorry if it's not entirely correct. Just listen to this whilst you do.

There was a young, beautiful, and intelligent girl who wished to learn in Ancient China, however it wasn't expected of her to learn, she, as a girl, was expected to be obedient and quiet and marry whoever she was told to.

So she disguised herself as a boy, and met a handsome young scholar, they became the best of friends. Slowly, but surely, the girl realised that she had fallen in love with him and as their education came to and end, she came up with a plan to get him.

She said that he should come and meet her family. As she had a sixteen year old sister who would love to meet him, and maybe even marry him. He seemed delighted with that idea, and they parted.

It was almost a year and the girl had nearly given up hope that he would ever return.

But no.

He did, he saw her, he realised what had happened. He was delighted and they spent time together, lovers at long last, they looked to a future together. But we all know that this kind of story doesn't work out that way.

The girl's father arranged a wedding with a rich man's son, she was bound to marry him, regardless of her feelings toward this boy.

When the young scholar heard of this, his heart was broken, his health regressed and he died soon after.

Her heart was broken, but she had to carry on with the wedding.

On her wedding day, there was a massive storm, the girl was on a boat destined to her betrothed husband's house. She had to go past her lover's grave but she couldn't. The storm wouldn't let her. A crack of lightning opened the grave and she threw herself in to join him. The storm cleared to reveal their spirits on the filled in grave.

Two golden butterflies, dancing around each other.

Never to be separated again.

~-Lucas and Joel

Monday, 28 November 2011

Best Birthday Ever.

Happy birthday to me.
Twenty fucking years.

New York is bitterly cold,

We found wolf, he was on the rooftop we were on back in this post. He wasn't alone, he was flanked by our friends in the hoodies.

"Will you help me?" Joel said softly.

Then they tried to bum rush us.

Apparently we've gotten far better since then. At fighting anyway... I had my katana out and ready... I... I killed someone again. Sliced the blade along her stomach, watched her vital organs spill out. I... I admired it. A thing of beauty.

I'm sorry Elaine, it did get easier after all. After I killed Josh, (Joel decided that he'd deal with it...) after that kid at the wedding. It comes easily to me.

The other got close enough and he had me by the neck, I tripped and fell back. Joel just leaned down and shot him in the head point blanc range.

My ears were ringing as I tried to pull myself up. All I could do was watch.

I... They talked about something, and then Mario shot, and Joel... Joel shot better. As I got my hearing back, he looked at me. For the first time I saw something wrong in his eyes, more than the fact he had taken a gunshot to his knuckle.... I was so worried about him bleeding, but at the same time I just knew.

Joel. He looked at me. It wasn't just a look though, it was a stare. More than his predatory thing he had going on. It was cold. He didn't love me.

I don't know how long he was acting like he did, I don't know any more. After we left Hope, he kind of dropped the pretence...

He trained the gun on me.

He said "two wolves left."

I couldn't run, I was on a rooftop in the cold for gods sake...

I ran at him, I don't know where my sword went.

We wrestled.

Joel's now on the floor, the gun went off. He was bleeding, it was slow. Painful. He begged me to kill him. I... And then I couldn't. I just held him, I held my lover.

He told me he loved me and I don't know if I believed him or not. He tried to kill me, but his last words were of love.

I... Fuck... Why am I so calm? Am I that fucking desensitised?

What kind of monsters are you? Some of you are reading this for fun I bet...


I'm sorry.

I cried for hours, I don't know if I can cry anym

And now Ember has come to join me.

There is no point running. I have no one to run with.

I'm alone.

Those words, they chill me to the core. "Alone." Two syllables, five letters. They terrify me. I can't imagine a life without Joel. The Joel I knew, the one who didn't hit me, or have to fight wolf every minute of every hour of every day. I... I want the man I loved back. I miss him so much.


I know very little about Ember, physically I don't even know if he/she is a guy or a girl, gay or straight. But at the same time, I am glad it is him/her who is doing it. Ember won't torture me, or hurt me too badly. I'm so scared of dying, I get doubts in my own faith. The one thing I'm meant to have above all else...

I just... I just know I will be dead when I am finished with this post. Slenderman's here, right by Ember's shoulder. I don't think he/she even notices. He's just watching me.

I stare at Him and He tilts His head. Like He doesn't understand... Maybe that's it... He doesn't "get it." Maybe what He's doing... Maybe it isn't bad or good. Maybe it's just different... Like runners and proxies.

Runners do evil things, almost as often as proxies... The only difference is that one believes they are against Him, and the other is for Him... Maybe that's it.

Why the hell am I getting these revelations now? Seems a ridiculous time to get them. Though when your life flashes before your eyes, you're bound to get some kind of inspiration.

Anyway, stiff upper lip and all that. I'll see you all in whatever comes after.


Sunday, 27 November 2011

Come on then my wolves.

Tonight. You know where.

Let's see if I can help you stop hurting him.


Friday, 25 November 2011


I heard this thing that on islands temperatures feel far lower than they actually are. The fact that there lots of water means lots of wind chill. So you get Russians who feel a similar kind of cold in 0 degrees in the uk, compared to -10/-20 degrees in Russia.  I don't know if it's true or not though, so I could be completely bullshitting you.

And the thing is, it's beautiful weather in NY right now, clear skies. It's pretty. Just 13-15 degrees. (It feels colder than it is.)

I missed the noise really.

New York City makes me feel really small.

So yes, Joel and I ended up getting coats. Hoodies aren't enough any more really.

Joel got a great coat and

You know what? No. I can't let it affect me, I need to talk about it I guess.

I've not been sleeping since it happened. Josh... I remember the blood, and Joel saying he would sort it. He's not looked at me the same since...

God I'm sorry.

You know that spot, the corner of your eye. Sometimes I see Him there. If I turn to look at Him, He's gone. He just watches me, tall, dark and faceless. I don't feel danger, or fog. I... I feel clarity.

It... It feels good to be able to think straight, even if it's because Our Mutual Observer is around... I need it, otherwise I can't even think, I'm just so filled with guilt, what ifs...


Thursday, 24 November 2011

I don't know what to say...
It's all my fault.
I should have stopped him.
Josh is dead.

I killed him.
It was my watch.
Josh must have gotten up.

The door opened.
I saw Him...
I saw his face.

He had no face.

Lucas had to pull me off of him apparently.
Josh was dead.
Stabbed over and over again...

We are stealing a car.
I need to get this done.

I need to find Mario and get help...

I can't keep like this.

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Well, we caught him finally.

Joel was not amused today. We caught him at the bus station. It's really quite funny how he looked at me and Josh and the first thing he said was: "Why the fuck did you bring Josh along?"

Of course he was pissed as well.

I had to break up the argument before it began and said simply. "Don't you read Elaine's blog?"

Joel looked at me and sighed. "Look, where I'm going is dangerous. I don't want either of you hurt."

"Too fucking late."

He didn't get on that bus, instead we are now in a motel room. Joel looks like he's seen a ghost, and besides. We need to get coats. It's pretty cold in NYC right now, and it's pretty cold where we are. Hoodies won't do it anymore.

So yes, we're all safe right now.

Well, as safe as life on the road can be. I was honestly expecting to be picked off at the bus station by some random hoodie with a knife.

Turns out I was pretty lucky, and...

You know.

Didn't die, armed with a Katana I have to keep concealed.

I don't wish to cause a fuss really, I am sure I could quote laws, but katanas are apparently weapons and wearing them in public is just going to cause a fuss. I had a fabric case for it before, and I just wear it over my shoulder.

So yeah. We're together. We're safe. Lucky us.


Monday, 21 November 2011

So... Joel pulled a Joel...

Hey, just at a Cybercafe in town, waiting for a bus tonight. Joel apparently took the one earlier. God dammit. 

Do you guys watch NCIS? Where Tony or Ziva talk about Jethro Gibbs and suddenly he's right behind them?

Well, Joel does something similar, only he vanishes into thin air when people talk about him, and, well, Josh and I are on his tail. I read the email location, we're going to try and catch him on the way. Not saying where for obvious reasons, but still...

When Josh saw me packing, he literally sat on my bag until I said I'd let him go with me. I'm scared about it, but this is Josh we're talking about, he's capable enough. And scrappy, he's scrappy for a thirteen year old. 
True story.

So yeah, I'm kinda glad he's got my back.

Elaine, thank you for giving us a place to stay, a place to heal. You have no idea how much it means to me. You've saved my life, god, twice now for letting us stay. Probably more. You gave me hope.

Well, yeah. 

That's about it.

I'd better stop being on a computer, money's never unlimited.

Keep Running, Ladies and Gentlemen.


Sunday, 20 November 2011


I heard about the bruises you give him,
the ones he tries to hide from everyone around.
Don't deny it.
You hit him regularly.

Sometimes he deserves it for shooting his mouth off.
Or trying to hurt you.
But sometimes it is just rage.
You can't control it so you lash out.

Sound familiar?

You will have received an email.
A location.
I can help you Joel,
I can help you control it.

I have gotten better.
You hate hurting Lucas,
don't you?

Let me show you how to stop.
I still know Lucas is better off with me.
But I want him happy.
He has made it clear now.

I am not enough for him.

And if I am not enough for him..

How can I be enough for Master?

The Big Ba


Saturday, 12 November 2011

Turns out things could be worse.

Lucas posted yesterday that he could be worse off.

I suppose I am.

Our fights have been getting worse, any effort to keep Lucas in check is getting less and less likely to work. And... I think I am struggling to keep myself in check as well.

We fought yesterday on a stairwell, Lis saw us... Or rather, she saw me choke him 'till he almost passed out... I remember feeling my hands around his neck, how good it felt... How easily I could take his life away... Then I snapped out of it and ran.

We kissed and made up after but I don't wanna be like Mario, I really don't.

I'm not...

I'm not an abusive person.

I swear I'm not.

I swear it on his life.


Wednesday, 9 November 2011

I think it's safe to say I could be worse.

It's Lucas here.

I read Mario's post yesterday morning.

It felt better than it should have. At least now I know what the fuck he's doing.

That nagging thought at the back of my mind is gone. Now it's right at the forefront.

Wolf is still alive. (Much to my distaste.)

Elaine has gone off to save those students.

And these lovely people are looking after us at hope.

That's about it...


Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Did the.
scare you?

I'll rescue you if you want me to.
Just like last time.

I'll be your white knight.
Think about it, where was Joel when you were attacked?
He was on the other side of the country,

killing people who don't matter.

I was the one to pull you away,
the one to rescue you and
the one to get you into safety.

I welcomed you into the family with open arms.

You matter Lucas, you really do.

You don't understand yet.

You will.

You will.

My love.

Monday, 7 November 2011

So, Lucas is a swinger apparently.

Heh, they'll both kill me for that one. Hi! It's Josh here again, back for another cool time writing the blog.

What you missed:

  • Cat fights between The Gays.
  • Lucas getting a sword.
  • More Cat Fights.
  • Me getting on Joel's nerves with Nyan Cat.
  • Me beating Lucas at Super Smash Brothers.
  • Did I mention cat fights?
Ok... Where do I start?

So, I've been left on my own quite a lot in Hope, I don't mind it, but when Joel and Lucas fight, I'm glad of it. Apparently the kids don't like it when mommy and daddy fight. Especially when both of them have Wolf. I don't like being around them that often. It upsets me.

Although the fights got less bad when Lucas got the sword. He's been practising every day gripping it. Trying to focus that pent up rage into the sword itself. Seems to be working.

Although they were arguing about Thuggee before. Lucas wanted us to run. Joel didn't, trying to reassure him that everything was okay. Eventually Joel won, but Lucas is still scared. You can see it in how he acts. He's not a fighter any more, I doubt he ever was. 

He's just as scared as I was before I met them. If you mention the guy to him, he starts trembling, scratching at the back of his neck, looking like all he wants to do is curl up into a ball. I feel really sorry for him. I really do.

Either way, he's been working on it, training himself up. I just watch him, watch the movements. You should have seen how excited he was when he managed to stop the swing without dropping the Katana. It was like he'd won the lottery.

He's getting better, I don't think he thought he would. But he did.

Also, Lucas, having been trained in the art of Kirby by Grand Master Joel, was defeated in mortal combat by Mario today. I win. I win EVERYTHING! AH HA!


Tuesday, 1 November 2011

So for Halloween I'm going as a...

...scary person with a Katana!

A day late!

That's right ladies and gentlemen! I have a new sword!

Elaine hooked me up with a guy she knew at a ren fair or something like that.

Of course, it's not as personalised as my cricket bat, but it's far nicer than my old sword.

I've been practising holding it again, I can't use it like I used to. My grip is too loose, I tried to swing and my hands were in so much agony that I dropped the sword. But the outside of my wounds have healed. I should finally be out of those stitches I've been trying so hard not to break for such a long time in a couple of days.

Joel and I, we're pretty happy right now. Been going through a rough spot, but I... I think he helped me get this other thing under control. I see why Joel ran, dual personalities sucks when you're only trying to express a single one. Hints of the other bleed through.

I guess it's like why Wolf still was convinced he loved me, that what he was doing for me. Joel bled through.

Plus Josh... Well Josh is being the little hellraiser that he normally is...

Ok, Josh is watching me type slowly, and he told me that he "resents that remark". Yay! I'm teaching him language that isn't swearing!

So yes, the exciting thing in the past week or so is the whole Michael going crazy and leaving and then coming back. It's pretty much summed up here and there isn't much else to say. Bad things happened, and now they're not happening. I'm just happy that things are reasonably quiet right now. Just working on getting my legs back to scratch.

That and I don't know why Michael got angry at me yesterday. I don't get it at all. Is it just conflicting personalities? I mean, I have to joke and keep a sense of humour going, otherwise what else is there?

Meh, I don't get it when shit like that happens.


Tuesday, 25 October 2011


Before I start, I am sure Lucas could make this far more poetic and pretty sounding. It's difficult for me to write at all really, but I suppose this gets to the practical sense of it...

Lucas and I had a chat last night.

Well I say chat... I'm gonna sound abusive when I say this but I'm really not.

Lucas told me he wanted to talk to me... I needed to make it clear that I was in charge... So well. I goaded him into attacking me and he spent the next five minutes face down on the floor with me just keeping him from hurting himself from struggling. I'm not sure if you know this already, but he pulled the revolver on Michael the day before.

It's a matter of Wolves... He is one, he doesn't look it, he doesn't act it, but he feels it. Just like me, back in New York.

For want of a better metaphor, part of us are fighting to establish top dog. (God I hate puns...) So I did what I had to to establish that.

He's far worse off than he lets on. I know it. He knows it. So I stayed like that, trying to calm him.

It was only then that I could talk to him. Now that fight was out of the way...


Well. We got to the actual meat of the matter.

He blamed me for leaving him alone.
I established there was no other choice in the matter.
We kissed.
We made up.

That's all there is to it that's important.


Sunday, 23 October 2011

Wolf isn't gone...

I thought there was a chance I could repress that part of me inside my head.

I remember everything I did. Fifteen people are dead because of me, one more handed over to Him to do who knows what to. That little girl may as well be dead...

What's worse... That I killed them, or that I killed them because they reminded me of Lucas?

I can't hand myself in... I don't want to die. Not now. I have so much to live for. Lucas and Josh being the main ones. Plus I just got my life back.

Well... That's about how I am right now.

I'm alive.
It feels good.
I feel guilty as fuck.

A couple of days ago now, I lost it. You can read about what happened here and here.

Long story short, I let Wolf take over at the wrong moment and almost stabbed Michael whilst he was in a state himself. I dropped the ball and it won't happen again. I'm working on getting that urge away, getting Wolf so far into the back of my head that I forget he exists. Maybe then that'll work.

As of today, we apologised to each other and all is well again. Kinda.


Lucas has been in a mood recently. After the lock down and finding out what happened to me, he's been in the kind of mood it takes more than a dearly beloved to get out of. I think he needs to just do something, anything. He has a lot of scars in a lot of places.

On the bright side, his hands are healing nicely. (It must be the good food here.) I'd guess the stitches should be out soon. He heals pretty fast, but apparently his hands are going to be far weaker as a general rule. He was so lucky that his flexor tendon's weren't hurt too badly. Stretched but not torn. He's got reasonable movement in his fingers, grip... Not so much in the effected fingers, but he's working on it.

He tries to be brave, but it doesn't stop him waking up screaming at 4 AM... I wish I could have been there to help him. I really do. All I can do is tell him it was just a dream and that I'm never going to leave his side again.

And that is the truth. I'm with him 'til I die.


Monday, 17 October 2011

I know I said I wouldn't post but... guys have no idea how much of a good mood I'm in.

Joel came out of his room today. Elaine had moved him to his own place on the same floor as me a couple of days back and he'd locked himself up there tight. He looked pale as fuck, but his eyes...

Oh god his eyes. I recognised them, that warmth that I had never seen before in Wolf. I could feel him shaking as he held me and I just held him back, trying not to cry too much.

Admittedly saying "You need a shower." Was not the most romantic thing for me to say at that moment, but it was true. I grabbed some food for him whilst he was showering and brought it up to him.

I can't stop thinking about what happened when I saw his dripping wet body, just in a towel as he moved over to me, kissing me tenderly. He held me close and I squeaked. 

Dammit I don't squeak.

He laughed a little and said "The infection isn't gone but I'm me,  I swear I'm me. I'm mostly me anyway."

I reached up and felt it, the mark shifting like something was living underneath his skin.

On his neck, perverts...

He did the same to me. "Yours is still the same isn't it?" I nodded. Ever since the attack on Haven, since wolf had his little chat with me... Being crucified... I felt it, not a dangerous urge, but one to run away and find The Gentleman. It's been easy to control right now, but I understand how it can be unbearable.

Unbearable enough to cosh your boyfriend.

I sat him down and he ate. How he managed to eat whilst I was curled up against him is odd to me but he managed it anyway. We've been practically conjoined by the hip since this morning.

We've been talking, and kissing, and just doing things that normal couples do...

Oh! and cooking but I'll talk about that a little later.

There are moments where he isn't himself, but they don't last long, like seconds long. I see that stare, but then he's him again, he's smiling.

When I took Joel down to see Elaine, we ended up baking and deciding on a great big party for everyone to enjoy.



Friday, 14 October 2011

Resisting the urge.

Until I leave Hope, don't expect me to keep blogging. Maybe you'll see me around, maybe you won't. But I've decided that I need a little while away just to get my head in the right place and treat this as a rest break.

Well, that and give Josh an education. He's thirteen, he's not even in high school yet and he's running... So I've been spending a couple of hours a day just trying to give him the basics of running and the three R's. (Readin', Ritin', and 'Rithmatick)

Well, that and help Elaine out around the house.

And sometime inbetween that, I've been keeping an eye on Joel. I think he's improving a little bit. He's screaming less. Which could be a good thing...

Anyway, now I go. I'll post again if anything terrible happens, but I'll be fine. I'm sure. :)

Monday, 10 October 2011

Well what do you know?

We've gone full circle.

Once again, we're staying with Elaine.

All three of us are... After staying in Haven, I didn't actually realise how big this was. So many apartments and rooms. I'm impressed at the amount of time Cam must have spent planning and preparing this.

This is his legacy isn't it? To create a place where people can feel safe from Slendy.

We arrived on Sunday, and Joel went away straight after we were settled. What's happening is we're giving him the same treatment as Star got, maybe this time it'll work. Maybe he'll fight it, maybe he'll even become Joel and not Wolf or this confused mix of boyfriend I've got right now.

And well... I chatted to him today... He sounded in pain.

I knocked on the door to hear a "Fuck off." The voice was stressed.
"Are you alright?" I found it difficult to talk with the door between us, I couldn't judge his facial expressions.
"Never better." He growled.
Well his sarcasm gland is still fully functional.
I slumped to the floor, my head pressed against the wood. "Would you mind keeping the sarcasm down a little?"
"Would you mind keeping the talking down a little?" He growled back.

I could imagine everything. His face, the way his lip curls when he's angry. His eyes.

"So, Elaine's got me doing things to try and protect the house. I don't know that much about them, but maybe it'll be helpful." I tried to spark a conversation.
"That's nice. Now please stop talking to me I'm trying to focus here. How long has it been since my last kill? Three weeks?"
I smiled. "Close enough. You've been amazing."
"Not good enough." He screamed through the door.
"Four weeks. Then five, then six, then seven then the rest of my fucking life. The deaths make Wolf happy but they kill Joel. Then Joel fought back and then we both broke at the same time... I suppose it's only right for two parts of me to have the same strength of will. How are you feeling?"

I knew what he was referring to, I remember scratching at the back of my neck idly. "I am alright. I'm surviving."

Wait, what? I was suddenly confused. He was angry at me. And now he's thanking me?
"What for?"
"For visiting me. It gives me someone to fight for. If I can do this, then you can blow away your own demons."
That's what she said?
I smiled at the door. "I did tell you I'd never leave you for as long as you wanted me here. I did promise."
"Doesn't stop it being true."

I stood up. "Good bye Joel... Talk to you tomorrow."

I don't think I have ever missed him so much.


Thursday, 6 October 2011

An Old Friend

We visited Cam today.

Just outside the gate, I found myself straightening my shirt out a little bit, trying to look a little less bedraggled. I had some flowers in my hand. I don't know why I thought these would be his. I dunno, it was just this subconscious thought in the back of my head. I dragged them around for hours, looking to find them out of season.

Joshua was next to me, he understood who we were talking about when we said about an old friend now.

I suppose he was steeling himself.

Joel was just there, present but not entirely there. I suppose that there was a double meaning, maybe this could stir something of Joel back up.

I also confiscated Joel's revolver. The way he kept messing with it got my nerves up. I don't trust this Joel, not as much as I probably should. He said himself that he wasn't my Joel, but he didn't complain when I asked to take the revolver from him. He just stared at me.

It just makes me feel a little sick.

So we walked inside.

I love cemeteries.

They are always so sobering, no matter what your day was like before, you could go to one and suddenly just everything would click into place. And considering the night before, it gave me some clarity.

We walked, and talked, just about nothing much in particular and then I saw it. I spotted it.

"Cameron Hudson
Devoted friend and husband."

Fuck. I'm crying already as I write this, not good.

It was kind of nice. The only plot for two men, allowing Jake and Cam to lie side by side for an eternity. Jake's part of the headstone was already being filled in. I couldn't really read it.

I sat down, holding the flowers like a a toddler with a blanket. This was the first time I'd been near him since the wedding.

I'm not ashamed to say I cried a little bit. The other two joined me, and we talked. Me and Joel, sharing funny stories about our time with the guy. All of those "Remember whens."

About how we were scared, I'd just lost my family, and then Cam just made the two of us so happy to be here, doing something that was utterly insane. We were surviving.

And then he died. It's still terrifyingly beyond me how something so alive can just die. But that was the moment I think I realised. "Holy shit. I can die."

Josh didn't say much, he was too busy looking at the gravestone. For the first time, I saw he was afraid. It wasn't a fear of Slendy thing. It was the same thing I felt. That realisation suddenly clicking.

I asked Joel to look after Josh, and I'd catch up. Neither of them knew Cam really. Well, Joel did, but he's not Joel...

Once I was alone, I placed the flowers down, the petals looking so perfect on the surface of his grave. They had his life. His brightness. His simple love of life.

"See you in whatever comes after, Cam."

I then turned to leave.

I'd spent so long looking for them, it made what they were, feel all the more right.

They were Sunflowers.

Wednesday, 5 October 2011

From bad to worse.

just listen im gonna sleep, now, everything hurts even more.

Everything sucks.

Ok, right now, I'm in Texas, I'm not sleeping... It's difficult to sleep in general for me, regardless of how tired I am, because of the permanent throbbing in the palms of my hands among other reasons. They're kind of healing, but it's going to take a while for a wound (Well... Two wounds.) of that size to actually, you know, get better.

Normally I'd be able to scrape a couple of hours when I'm not on watch, and there is too much to do during the day.

But right now, no. I ran out of codeine two days ago.

Plus Star is in a ton of trouble. 

Plus Joel is seriously making me debate confiscating that revolver.

Plus Joshua keeps going out and looking for his step sister, and, short of tying him up and hanging him from a door frame at gun point, there is nothing I can do.

I know, everything sucks yeah.
I know everything sucks woah.
I know everything sucks yeah.
And this is the last time you'll here me compl

Fuck I'll post again later.

Wednesday, 28 September 2011

big and bad

I... I figured I would post this myself when my head was a little clearer. I see Josh and                      I want to kill. But I know I won't. It's not my right to take life away. I don't work for Him, I'm going rogue. I have good in me somewhere, I know I do I know it

Lucas told me of the possibility... The The The idea of um Im sorry. It's difficult to think straight at the best of times. That I could try and get Joel back. like my head... Fuck my head right now... Lucas is hurting, Josh is scared, I need to be sane for a little while i need to in eed to not some sociopath but it's safer if I dont feel anything. right now its safer if i dont feel


not an animal.

Joel not a wolf...

Monday, 26 September 2011

Lucas had me type something up, I guess it makes sense. I'm not good with long words, but he said something about therapy of writing stuff down. So hi! I'm Joshua, I'm 13 and am being stalked. it feels odd. Like alcoholics anonimous.

Um. well. I'm new to all this, Lucas is looking at me like I should keep writing so I will. He's a nice guy, if a wuss occasionally with Joel. He's in more pain in his hands and elsewhere than he lets people know.

Yeah, my past... I grew up here in NJ, with a step mom and normal dad, and then, two weeks ago I met Slenderman. I mean, I didn't meet him, i came across him. Jenny decided to show me him. She's my stepsister. A bitch normally, but since it happened... She decided to try and scare me, convince me that he existed. And she didn't believe me when I found he did.

I was scared. I heard stories of people's families dying, hell, Lucas is a living example of that. I ran.

And Jennifer came after me.

She came to try and bring me back, I was so scared. and we saw him. We both saw him. This was the first time she'd seen him and I was scared so I ran.

She didn't.

That was a week ago.

So I packed and ran. I stole food when i could, I have cops with an amber alert looking out for me. I can't go home, I just can't. I don't want to risk them.

It just scares me. This whole thing.

I'm just glad Lucas found me. I was scared of Joel at first, but now, I feel kind of safe, knowing that he's a killer. At least if he does kill me I won't die too painfully.

So. That's about it. I don't know what else to say other than try not to die you random strangers Ill probably never meet.


Saturday, 24 September 2011

A new friend.

Right now, we're okay. I got up early this morning to go out and get some food in town, and had to wait for dusk so I could come back. Joel needs to stay in there really. It's not safe for him to be out and about right now, as there are witnesses to one of them.

And... Well...

I saw Him, I was sat on a bench in the town centre, someone else sat next to me and then I saw him. He was in the doorway of another shop. Just turned in my direction. It didn't matter that he was watching me, but there was something about how everyone else keeps moving, doesn't even look, like you wonder if they can even hear the humming in your ears or feel the compulsion to approach. I'd also bought a little gas stove, the kind you get for camping. One hob, and a couple of small single use bottles

I don't know if I told anyone before. I sold the house before I left. To one of those "Quicksell" companies. I figured I wouldn't be using it again and needed the cash for running. Joel was the one with the cards though, he kept them... I had enough money out to get by before he left, but still, it left me in a little bit of trouble the night before.

Like this need to understand that I'm not the only one who's seeing this, like I've finally gone mad. It was then that I realised that I wasn't alone. There was a boy next to me, staring too. He couldn't have been older than thirteen. Short brown hair, with a backpack that looked like it weighed about the same as he did.

He reminded me a little bit of myself when I was younger...

I couldn't just let it slide. I spoke. "You see him too?" Just quietly.
"Yeah." He replied. He seemed like a local. A terrified local.
"You... You alright?" I wasn't expecting yes really, but he seemed to reply.
He shook his head. "He took my friend." He murmured, he seemed on the verge of crying.
"I know the feeling..." It's true, it brought back memories when I saw Joel walk away for that last time. "I'm sorry. What do you call yourself?"
"A runner." He looked at me like I was an idiot.

I like this kid.

That made me smile a little. "I meant your name." I figured I may as well try and keep him distracted from Mr Faceless on the other side of the square. Who, by the by, was still there. Even though I wanted to run away.
"Oh... Joshua."
"Lucas. When did you last eat?" I reached into a bag and passed him a bag of chips crisps. He didn't admit it, but by the way he wolfed down the packet, I'd have guessed it would be a while.
"Well, want to stay with us for a little while?"
He smiled at that. I was glad I could do that for him really. He also carried some shopping bags for me. I'd been holding a lot of the heavy stuff in a backpack. But either way, apparently only being able to use your finger and your thumb to carry bags is a tiny bit difficult. I can't wait until five days time when I can remove the damn splints...

When I can finally hold something...

Dusk came and we walked back the way I came, leading him to the house and walking in. Joel was sat there looking at us. Joel was curious.

When I say curious. I mean he had a revolver in his hand when we walked in and asked who he was. I dumped the bags down. Told him he was another runner, and we spent the rest of the evening chatting really. He told us his whole story as we ate...

Kid's been running for a few weeks now, he was smart enough to notice the signs and get online before anyone else died. But he had a friend who did the same, a girl, Jennifer. She was the bossy one, she looked after him. They were together, and presented with Slendy in front of their eyes, for the first time. Josh ran away, Jennifer did the opposite. He was a minute or so away when he realised she was gone. He ran back to see them walking away, hand in hand. No matter how loud he called her name, she didn't listen.

Then he asked what about us... And... Well... We told the truth. A pair of British lovers in America, where one became a proxy and the other... Well. The other is me.  I made sure that he realised that Joel isn't going to slit his throat in his sleep, and I also made sure that Joel realised that too...

Josh is asleep now, Joel keeps asking me why I invited him, and honestly, I don't know why I did. Maybe I just felt the need for conversation other than Joel, who is silent for 98% of the time nowadays... Joel looked at me for a moment. And just smiled before he went to sleep, leaving me to type up the days events.

Busy busy. In a couple of days time, we shall be planning where we're going. There is one place I want to visit in particular, which is north of here. I might get Josh posting tomorrow, we'll see how he feels.


Friday, 23 September 2011

Joel, simple as.

I found Joel, or rather he found me.

Apparently there have been three murders discovered, all just after the day he left and I chased him. I had curled up for the night, some alleyway in town, it was out of the wind so I wasn't too bad. I then woke up with his face right in mine. I reached for my knife to discover I didn't have one.

Fucking hell...

I had left my snapped sword back at Haven.
He saw I was awake and pulled away, the gun pointed at me. "You gonna do anything stupid?"
I just kind of slumped, I assume he took that as a no.
"I don't love you Lucas. I haven't for a while. All I feel is guilt." That stung, something deep inside my chest.

A physical ache.

"Won't stop me loving you, Joel."
"I want to though..." He finally added, he handed the flick knife to me. Saying "Keep it."

He held out his hand and I took it. God, I think I only then properly realised what I'd missed. The feel of his arms around me, his skin.
He let go of my hand and started walking. "I know somewhere we can stay. I will have to hide out a little bit."
I didn't press him on the murder front.

Don't ask, don't tell.

It's... I don't want to say "awkward" but that's how it is I guess.

We were like a couple who had just broken up, but still had to live together for a little while whilst one moved out, not bitter. Just different.
It's kind of sad really.

We ended up in an abandoned house, it was better than outside. So I can't complain. We just kind of stay here.

It's kind of silent. Occasionally I catch him looking over at me, it's not loving, or anything. It's calculating, cold even. I'm being strong, though, admittedly I let him bandage my hands a second time.

Wouldn't want to get an infection, now would I?

Finally I spoke, we spent ages like that, sat on the bare wooden floor in silence. I needed to do something...

"Remember the time when I... When I got attacked by Wolf, just after. I was doubting myself, practically suicidal." I shifted to sit next to him.

"Joel remembers..."

He didn't resist as I pulled his head into the crook of my neck.

Whispering. "Never again."

I made promises to him... That as long as he wanted me here, I would never leave him. That I would help him in any way I can.

And even though he can't reciprocate it, I intend to keep every single one of them.


Wednesday, 21 September 2011


As far as cheating goes.
I am an arse.
I'd only seem more so
if I blamed it all on one or the other completely.

It was how I got my victims.
How I led them to me.
A hug here,
a peck on the cheek there.

More occasionally.

I was so absorbed in killing...
I didn't even notice that Joel...

The effects on Joel were too great.

When I was with Rachael,
on the way to see Schrodinger...
She got me to open up.
I felt so guilty...

She said... She said you'd understand.
I... I didn't know.
I don't think I can feel anything anymore.
There's just this

Other than anger,
I felt nothing.
Joel loves you...

I'm just a shell.

He's just my sheep's clothing.
If he knows me.
I would be surprised.
I fell into this so easily.

I don't even know if
there is a way out at all.
Other than dying.

I want Joel back.
I want to feel something again.
I'm going to try so hard to be
the man you fell for again.
Then I want to kill your stalker.

Fuck I'm craving a kill right now.

The Big Bad Wolf

Tuesday, 20 September 2011

There 'aint no rest for the Wicked.

If anyone tells you that being interrogated interviewed for eight hours by the Men in Black (I got a glare when I said that in the interview) was fun, they are lying to you. The doc unlocked the cell and I just walked out. Apparently I'd been free to go since yesterday, not that anyone had tried to tell me, mind.

Apparently they arranged some sort of visa extension for 24 months that should tide us over to apply for asylum or whatever it is for guys like us, they did the same for Joel. Now we're here legally! So maybe they're not all bad.

I do have to say though, when I got back to Haven, I was under armed supervision. I mean, what the hell do you guys expect me to do? Gnaw you to death? I can't even hold a pencil without pain.

Plus I got my katana back, well it's pieces. That pissed me off a lot. You guys have no idea how much effort maintaining a sword like that takes, do you? I'm actually more angry about the sword than the fact I can't use my hands.

Then Joel appeared at my window. He was still masked, but I could, I dunno. Tell.

Our dear Agent Z decided to point a gun at him, it took a couple of minutes to talk him down. God damn Americans and their trigger happy nature. I met him at the door and he tugged off his mask. I... I couldn't stop myself, I just flung myself at him, my arms wrapped around his neck, his around my waist. We just held each other, kissed, and just enjoyed each other's company for a few moments.

I can only assume that the Agent felt awkward at such a turn of events. He left us alone. It was that moment when Joel pushed me up onto my feet, backed me into a wall and started choking me.

"I know who Wolf is, you slut. So what is it? Have you been behind my back with him?" The venom in his voice was terrifying. I kneed him in the groin and he cringed forward, I then kneed him again in the face, enough force to his forehead to make his neck snap back and him to fall. I felt bad doing that, but I had to. He needed to stop attacking and let me explain.

I managed to get my knees onto his shoulders, taking the knife from his pocket and flicking it open and swearing at the pain. I pressed it against my lover's neck, only able to use my forefinger and my thumb to grip it. It was just then that the Agent returned, gun drawn, aiming at the both of us. I told him I had it under control but he stayed there.

"Wolf is my Ex, you idiot, Joel." He was snarling at me as I said that, but he didn't fight, I don't get why. "I ran before I met you, he's why I'll never stop." I rubbed my throat.

He just glared up at me. "Sure he is."

I dropped the knife by his head. "Then kill me." I stood up. I've not been thinking straight, he stood up, took the knife. He glared at me and folded it up. Taking my hand and leading me into the bedroom once we were alone.

"Tell me everything."

"Wolf's name is Mario Ricci. I was sixteen, I'd just started college in Manchester, and had been questioning my sexuality for years, fighting it. 

Then I met a guy at a club, the first time I'd ever been clubbing, me and a couple of friends sneaked in, then they got caught and I didn't. He was 25, tall, dark and handsome. He asked me straight, if I wanted to go out on a date with him. I was naive. I fell in love with him, he looked after me, made sure I was working in college, made sure that I was alright. 

He was the one who convinced me to come out to my parents. Because he wished he had a father to come out to.

They took the news badly.

They suggested I moved out for a while, so I did. Mario let me stay with him, I had nowhere else to go. He used that against me. I took whatever he dished out because I had nowhere else to stay, he stopped me seeing friends, he stopped me seeing family, he stopped everything. When I got the call from my parents, I had to pack a bag of clothes and sneak out whilst he was working. 

He was so angry. But I loved him. I went back. 

Bad things happened and I ended up breaking up with him.

That's where it went from bad to worse.

He stalked me in my classes, he waited just outside of school, he left a dead fucking bird on my doorstep. Hundreds of calls, death threats. He broke the restraining order so many times but he couldn't be prosecuted because we didn't see him.

So my parents, my brother, and I packed up and left. 

I changed everything.
Email, phone number, house, school, I dyed my hair, I started wearing glasses, hell. My name was once Oliver, but I had it legally changed to Lucas, you know nothing. I changed everything.

I spent three fucking years, and heard nothing. I healed.

I met you, fucker.

It was only after he attacked Elaine, that I realised. That, in the last days before we moved, he called himself The Wolf."

Joel just looked at me, held me close and told me he loved me, and he was sorry for cheating on me.

"You hypocrite." I admit, I lost it then. He'd just come at me because he thought I'd cheated on HIM. And then he tells me that he's cheated. We fought, I lost control of my emotions, it won't happen again. The noise probably must have caused a scene. He took a grip of my hair and yanked my head forward.

"I knew it." He muttered, kneeing me in the stomach. Two agents stepped in, restraining each of us. Joel pushed him away. "I'm sorry Lucas." He ran away again. I was too winded to do anything to go after him.

I'm going after him, I got my bag and some food. I'm leaving my broken blade here. Maybe it'll serve someone else better than I. I feel terrible about what happened, I just need to see him again, to understand what he said.

But first, I need to get my hands on a new sword, even if I heal, I still hate guns.

If I don't see you guys before I go, I need to leave as soon as possible.

You have my love and my thanks, and the best of luck with this. It was nice, having a family again. It made me far happier than you can imagine.

Good bye, I shall see you again sometime.


Saturday, 17 September 2011

Hellish Hijinks in the Haven Household.

Im sorry if there are spelling errors in this post. two finger typing and opiates do that to a guyy

If you havent heard already, I got crucified. (Like a BOSS)

I've got, overall three digits splinted. It would have ben four if I hadnt... After a week or so I should be able to remove them, and just do light exercises with my fingers. After then I should regain a little bit of my strength in my fingers. Not as much as before but that's what happens when you have two tendons in each hand torn.

Im currently in MASC hands right now... They're feds, I dont know whats happening out there, but they let me use a computer to type this up and let people know I'm alive, provided I complied with them, answered questions, whatever the fuck else they wanted.

So. What happened?

Well, I remember sitting in my room, when I heard a crash... Thuggee was here, I just knew it, something in the pir of my stomach knew it. I took my sword and drew it. Id been waiting for this fucker to turn up and show me he wasn't all bark.

The entire front wall was just rubble and dust and fuck all else. Thuggee was the guy with daggers. And next to him, I could assume was Dodgy. I remembered him from somewhere, but I couldn't work out where.

I got out of my room and through the hall just in time to see Shady kicked, quite literally, across the room. I was terrified, but it was too late now to back out. Afterall, I had the sword, I had the training, I could kill a couple of proxies. I ran towards the two, swinging my katana with a scream. It felt good to be doing something again. Thuggee sidestepped it and Dodgy darted to the side. I figured Id go for the softer target.


I was relentles in my attacks, forcing him back where he tripped, I was so close to finishing the fucker when something grabbed my leg. I looked just in time to notice there was nothing there, and flew into the wall. I remember screaming from that, as the Katana was taken from me, once again, invisibly. Then I was pulled to the floor, my legs buckled.

I thought; "this is gonna hurt," as he rounded on me, literally flung me into the kitchen. I tried to stand up again, my legs hardly supported me at the time. My sword was nowhere to be found.

So I settled with the nearest sharp object. A steak knife.

It took so much effort to just keep from falling forward. But I got some resolve when he started using my katana to hurt Tim. That was unforgivable. I stabbed up at his throat, but the blade didnt connect. Mainly because Dodgy decided he wanted revenge for last time. I fell to the ground, my back screaming in pain and tried to stab up at him.

But he had the advantage this time, in the scuffle, the steak knife vanished.

I swore and kicked him away, getting to my feet. Wobbly but still more than happy to punch the fucker. Then I felt something on my neck and then the kind of pain.... I can't describe it... If I screamed it wouldn't be enough.

My head was pounding, I think I bit my tongue, blood was pouring from my lips as I spat on the ground just before he flung me back in the kitchen. The oven wasnt so kind as to break my fall. I lay there in front of it, my head not knowing what way is left or right, as Thuggee rounded on me. I felt an image pop up into my head, I... It was an image of Jesus on the Cross.

I remember silently pleading, sobbing, as he lifted me and pushed me up against the kitchen wall. Made me watch as my Katana was broken in front of my eyes. I wasnt fighting anymore. I was just begging. I could feel as my hands were pinnned in place as I begged him not to do this. Then suddenly pain. I was hanging from my hands. He was crucifying me.

In crucifixion, your arms (and normally legs, I wasn't so lucky) are the only things supporting you. But when you're hanging from them, it restricts your airflow, allowing you to breathe in but not breathe out. You have to physically pull yourself up on your hands in order to take a breath, until you couldnt anymore. Your death was from suffocation.

At that point, Id stopped thinking, it was just pain.

I stayed there. Pain, tense, breathe, pain, over and over and over again. I

I dont know how long I was there, but Thuggee was gone.

"Poor, baby, Lucas..."
I heard, my heart sank.

Pain. Tense. Breathe. Pain.

"It's me."
It's not Joel.
"You fucking failure."
Not him. The words bit as much as the sword did.
"Someone went to town on you."
Anyone but him.

Pain. Tense. Breathe. Pain.

"You look like a work of art like this. All hung up, this guy has an eye for beauty."
I want to cry again, but my body doesn't seem to want to waste energy, instead It just boils up inside my head. I hate every moment he's around.
"Tell Joel that The Alpha said Hi."
That gloating voice of his.
"And that Mario shall have you all to himself soon."
I wished I wasnot like this, then I could have stabbed him.

Pain. Tense. Breathe. Pain.

"Well, I say myself, I have to share with Mastter."
He backhanded me in the face. Hard.
I was too dazed to really listen after that.
Event though I think I was practically unconscious, my lips twitched up into a smile.

I may have failed to protect everyone, but this was a fight I could win.


He wiped that smile off my face by simply doing what he did. He yanked the two halves of the blades from the wall, leaving them in my hands, and watching as I fell to the floor, still like that. He then carried me over his shoulder as he walked outside. My vision blurred.

I remember hearing noise people talking, some shouting

He put me down, tucked something into my pocket and whispered into my ear. When I ran off a couple of weeks back, I had invited him in. I remember it now...

"You owe me Lucas. A wedding would suit you if you could wear a ring. Welcome to the family."

Then I, thankfully, passed out.

I woke up here, a doctor was changing the bandages around my hands, the cut on my back was clean so it should heal nicely. He offered me more pain meds. My palms felt like they had been put through a blender. They still do, I can walk, and maybe run a little, but I could see through the holes that have been made in my hands. They've been stitched, but it was a rush job.

They have me in a cell somewhere, I have no idea where, but it's quiet. The doc sees me for about ten minutes a day, sees if I need anything and vanishes again. Don't even know the guy's name. I don't know anyone's name here, they won't talk to me that much. Just that they're MASC and that I must look like an utter mess.

I only recently discovered that it was my finger he'd slipped into my pocket.

A token of his affection...

It makes me feelit makes me feel sick...

And on that note, I should try and get some rest... Maybe they'll, I dunno, ask questions tomorrow. Considering my past experience with authority figures, let's hope these are the good guys.

Oh and Joel, we need a chat.

Bye for now.


Friday, 16 September 2011

Everything hurts

Biggerpostwhen i can.

the meds just kivked in uill be back llateer

Sunday, 11 September 2011


You know that phrase.
"Revenge is a dish 
best served cold?"

Rachael was never like that.
When we saw what happened.
To the poor girl. 

She did the deed,
I didn't see fit to stop her.
She knew the girl better than me.

Cheshire was her kill 
more than mine.
So I did what anyone 
in my situation would do.

I took orders. 
I let her have her revenge.

When the time was right.
I took the feline's finger.
Added it to my collection.
Just for Lucas

The ferocity of it,
I don't know whether I should be 
proud of her,
or scared.

Cheshire was a monster.
And she put him down like one.
All I hope is that she didn't

The Big Bad Wolf.

Sunday, 4 September 2011

Stir crazy

Bored Bored Bored Bored BOREDDDDDD.

I'm sorry but it's true, other than chores, there's very little to do. I can't stay in one place for too long, I've never settled down. Even before this slendy shit happening.

Hell. Even MY WOLF has vanished off somewhere. And, I might add, without saying goodbye. :p


 I've finally decided to try and fix my St Christopher. I remember Wolf yanking it off my neck in the forest. Then I remember him hitting me and stamping. I looked after the chain, but it's only a link that's broken. The clasp is fine...

 All I really had to do was open another link and slot it back into place. It was a 30 minute job, but now I'm wearing it again. A little ironic considering I'm not travelling.

Mainly though, I've been trying to get my fitness back up. I've been training two hours a day. It's easily enough to tire me out and put me to sleep that night. Although without a partner it's a little difficult to learn.

What else to talk about? There really isn't much.

OH! There's me worrying about Rachael, I hope she's all right. Last thing I heard was that Wolf was off to meet her on her way to go rescue Schrody...

I mean, sure, Wolf has killed people before, but I'm not entirely sure he would stop simply because she says so... It worries me greatly...

Hopefully he'll be more Joel than Wolf at that point in time...

Rachael, I hope he's treating you alright. If not, I'll slap him the next time I see him. :3

Good luck guys.


Wednesday, 31 August 2011

The circle of life.

Always busy.

I am leaving you alone for a little while.

I saw you, 
five minutes ago, 
you were outside with your Katana,
practicing as always

Gotta run.
Things to do.
Kittens to eat.
Fingers to take.

When I get back I should have something special for you this time.

The Big, Bad, Wolf.

Monday, 29 August 2011

What are your asks and I shall give you your answers

Tell me.
What would you like to know?
I'm sure Lucas would love to ask me things.
So I suppose you should be able to as well. 

You have one week, 
and I shall answer.
maybe my lover will reply too.

You never know.

The Big Bad Wolf

Sunday, 28 August 2011

Here's a story of three little piggies.

Three little piggies lived together, in three little houses.

In the first one, it was made of straw.

I huffed.

I puffed.

And I blew their house down, took their finger and then, as they screamed I put a bullet in their head.

19 bullets left.

The second one had build his house of sticks!

I huffed.

I puffed.

And I blew their house down, took their finger, and then slit their throat, giggling as blood splattered the walls...

The last one, they'd built their house out of brick...

I huffed.
I puffed.

I couldn't blow it down, so I got Hurricane Irene to do it for me.

I jammed a knife into his eye socket. I don't think he felt much as I took his finger away.

His family, however are going to remember that...

I'm sorry Lucas, I tried, but... It's so difficult to resist.

Every time, it gets more difficult...
Yours until Master has no more use to me.

The Big Bad Wolf

Thursday, 25 August 2011

You said Joely
has to choose by himself.

You were wrong...
Joel's gone Lukey.
I don't know what I 
am anymore.

I just kill.
And kill.
And kill.
and kill.

It's like,
this tearing.
I love my Master
with everything.

But Joel loved you.
I can't ignore it.

I'm not the Big Bad Wolf.
He is a monster.
And animal who cares only for killing.
But I'm not Joel...
I am not the same person as
the one 
who left you.

I'm both.

All I want to do
is kill the Original now.
Make him suffer.
But I must still serve.
But I can't.
But I

What am I?

Lucas... What am I?

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

You guys are such good distractions... You know?

I guess I kind of am to blame for this one. When I mentioned that Cam's Bachelor party was crossdressed, Lullaby decided it would be a good idea to get me back in drag. Then she made up everyone, even Mystery! Oh, apart from Shady... And Mr Sunshine as far as I can tell. Not that I've actually seen him since arriving here.

First things first. NO, you can't have pictures. Such overwhelming sexiness would break any camera we try. And NO, pictures do not exist of me online like that...

As far as I remember... I'm still a little foggy about that night.

*ahem* Remember that dress I got Joel to wear? Well that's what you missed. <3

Anyway... Yes. That's all I had to say about that.


Outside of being dragged up, well, I've been having an email conversation with Spencer.

He... He told me a story, it mentioned The Collector and the group from 23 Seconds...

Of course it's just a story, but it gave me an understanding I needed to hear.

It was about a young man who was smarter than the rest, named Harper Salisberg. He discovered our mutual enemy, saw the risks and did what he had to do. 
He ran.  
He ran before anyone else did. Until he met a man. A Man who performed Miracles. He worked for the man,  a courier, and he mastered everything that was laid in front of him. Including the Path. The house. Anything... He was, in Spence's words, perfect. 
But the Man who made Miracles and Mr. Salisberg... Well. They were both fooled. There were other groups, other people, who were watching... 
They ambushed them and the Man who made Miracles, and the others who worked for him. They left him to die. They took him and something deep inside him, that darkness, letting it grow. 
There was The Collector, a few years ago, he was a lunatic, a psychopathic murderer with no respect for human life. But he died. They needed a new one, and they chose him. 
I don't know what they did to him, and nor does Spence, but it changed him. Made him inhuman. And there was nothing the Man who made Miracles could do. 
Because The Collector needed to want to be saved...

Of course, this is a story, I don't know how true any of this is. Hell, I still have trouble believing in magic. 

But if I could treat this as a mental illness, even if it's paranormal. Then I can't fight it for him, Joel needs to want it. I can't force it upon him... 

Well. That's it right now.



Monday, 22 August 2011

I opened the envelope.

This is what I found.

This makes a vague amount of sense, if what Wolf posted was true, Slender touched his neck and now he's infected, just like a virus.

I'm turning Anonymous posting back on, if any of you have anything to say, just post it. Anything I've missed...

Maybe... Maybe Joel can fight this... I'll help him as much as I can.

I've racked my brain all night and now need a couple of hours of sleep.

Sunday, 21 August 2011

Vivid hallucinations and then potential amnesia of the hours preceding.

Yup. I've been dreaming again. Now... There are four reasons I've been having this same dream. 1: I'm not drinking enough alcohol. (I'm kind of proud actually, I haven't touched a drop since I've arrived at Haven.)  2: I'm not sleeping as well as I could be. (Woke up at 3 AM today.) 3: I could be going stir crazy with all of this standing still. This is the first time I've actually, you know, stayed in one place and felt safe. Or 4: It could be like the dreams I had before, back in the UK, the one where I was running through the forest. The ones that kind of happened.

I had one image from it that's stuck in my head. It's times like this that I wish I could draw. Just imagine a big pile of rotting corpses in a warehouse, their skin is flaking and sagging, browning, flies are everywhere. The stink is so rank I could taste it. Each and every one of them is a friend, a loved one. And I'm standing (barely) on top of them, battered, bruised, bleeding, and with that thousand yard stare. Like I'm the last survivor of a World War One era charge...

Then it jumps to a little later in life during the dream. I meet someone else, but it doesn't feel the same, it's less raw than me and Joel were. I'm drifting, seeing Slendy but not caring. No one kills them, but I live this half life, left alone. I'd be one of those left behind.

And that fucking terrifies me.

More than this. More than dying. More than anything.

Then a little later in the morning, I had just been teaching Lullaby how to use the Katana,  my chest isn't great, but it's better than it was before. She'd decided that she couldn't continue and I was practising on my own. It was maybe half an hour later when I got distracted by some animal or other. Movement beyond the fence.

That's when I saw him. Wolf. On the other side. He was standing there, just watching me as I walked towards him... We were within a couple of feet of each other. Like someone visiting their lover in prison. I-we-it got to the point where I wasn't sure who was visiting who.

We just stood there, looking at each other for what felt like hours.
I was the first to speak.
"Wolf." He was quick to reply. It was my Joel behind the mask, I know that voice.
"How are you?"
"I'm good. I have more gifts for you Loverboy."
I just looked at him, stunned as he tossed over another zip lock bag. It landed next to me and I didn't look at it. I knew what was in there and I felt sick.
"Don't you understand Joel? This isn't how I want us to b-"
It's difficult to tell what his expression was like under the mask, but the fact he punched an electric fence gave me an idea of his state of mind. He yelped and fell back, clutching his hand to his chest.

I slumped to the floor, resting the sword on my lap, about a foot away from the fence. "The more you do this, the more of a monster it makes you-"
"And the more it makes you hate me. And the more it makes you want to put me down." He giggled, his arse still firmly planted on the floor. "Yes. I know that's what you want to do to me. But I've yet to see you try."
I pondered that for a moment and spoke again, taking a piece of paper out of my back pocket after standing again. "I have a letter from Cam you might want to read. Regardless as to if you're Joel or not." And so I posted the paper through the fence. He picked it up and read it.
"Cammy Cammy Cammy... You always were the idealist..." For a moment he seemed to be debating tearing it up, but he didn't. Instead he folded it up again and posted it through.

"So when we meet again... Will you try and kill me?" I don't know what, but something in his voice caught me off guard...
"When you were Joel I almost stabbed you for waking me up. Now you're not-"
"Joel's in here... Somewhere..." He spoke quietly. Guilt perhaps? "If he wasn't, I wouldn't-" He turned his back, tugging off the hoodie to reveal his head. His hair was messy, but that wasn't what I looked at.

The back of his neck was black and splotched, like something was growing under his skin, it looked almost alive, just writhing under his skin. "I wouldn't be serving two mast- It... It hurts Lukey."
"Joel?" I was stunned, standing up and moving to the fence, just staring as he turned around to face me again.
"Read the letter."
He looked at me for a moment and ran off into the undergrowth.

Lukey was his pet name for me. Joels pet name for me. I've not seen Wolf use it before. Is Joel still there?

I don't think I even realised I was crying, I just sat there, tears streaming down my face. Not too long later I felt a hand on my shoulder, it was Lullaby. I don't know what, or how much she'd seen or heard, but she just said;

"Let's go inside."

Saturday, 20 August 2011

A letter from a dead man.

I have my backpack. I hadn't even checked on it since I ran off... I haven't unpacked really, I wanted to keep everything I own in a single place, call me paranoid, but it kept me alive back in New York when I had a proxy busting down my door.

I was checking on it, and I saw something odd when I unzipped it. A neatly folded piece of paper, just resting on top of all of my things.

I'll... I'll let you read it yourselves.

I'm sorry Cam. I'm so sorry. Things are different now... I wish I could fulfil what you wanted for Joel and I.

Spence, I presume you guys delivered it.

Thank you. You have no idea how much it means to me.


Friday, 19 August 2011




Once I burnt a man alive.



eight 9 ten

Then I let him go again.

Why did you let him go.

Because I bit his finger so.

Which finger, did you bite?

This little finger on my right...

Happy 19th, my love.

Not your birthday, but 19 kills, your age is 19, 19 gifts for you and Master, and best of all. It's the 19th today. 

The Big Bad Wolf

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

Shady is back in black.

Yep. Our Shady Lady has returned to us. The house is fucking on something, I swear, everyone's so happy. It's interesting really, feeling that the family is back together again. There's this wholeness that's difficult to describe. Like, I feel I'm home. I was outside this morning at maybe 3 AM, knelt, bare footed, with Joel's stolen katana. I've been not touching anything in a mix of recovering and just general fear, that envelope is hanging over me like a noose.I don't even want to look at it.

I pulled my hoodie on first of all, it felt a little chilly at this time of night. Then I did a couple of stretches. I remember my first few days of Kendo, every time I practiced, I ended up with blisters on my hands and basically it'd take me a week to get my flexibility back. I held the saya (sheath) lightly in my left hand, then pressed it against my hip. My right hand gripped loosely on the handle as I drew the sword. Pulling it into that familiar stance, toes parallel, heels off the ground, right foot forward, point aimed at your invisible opponent's neck.

The first thing that struck me was the weight of the blade, considering in Kendo, the Bokken (The wooden sword.) or the shinai, (The bamboo one used for full contact.) are maybe half a kilogram, this felt far heavier. I brought the sword up, slowly, swinging it over my head and then back down, stopping it with my right hand just above where my opponents head would be, getting used to the weight and whispering "Men."

I did it again, faster this time, ignoring the fact my chest was starting to ache again, this time stopping the blade at the wrists of my opponent, who also had a sword. "Kote."

And again, only twisting the blade so it swung in a horizontal arc, stopping at the waist. "Do."

And finally, my fourth motion, not bringing it over my head this time, but lunging forward, aiming for the neck. "Tsuki." That one twinged something and I nearly dropped the sword.

I stopped there, sheathing it. My heart was pounding in my chest and I somehow managed to fall asleep on the grass. I need to heal before I try that again I think. And not just heal in being able to move around.

Today, it looks like I have a ghost to take care of in that envelope.


Tuesday, 16 August 2011

Looks like I met red riding hood...

What's going on 'ere then?

"Excuse me?"
I looked behind me to see a spoilt

"Do you know where my daddy is?"

Blonde hair, brown eyes,
wearing a red hoodie and a skirt.
Admittedly I did
a doubletake.

I may have even thought she was a
But she was not.
Instead she reminded me of someone...
Long ago.

I told her that the payment for that 
would be great
She said she didn't mind...
I took her finger, my pay.

And then Master came and took her by the hand.
The one.

Lucas, you say that you're going to put me down?
I would like to see you try.
I wonder, will your love for me, 
beat your loathing of what I've become?

The Big Bad Wolf

Monday, 15 August 2011

Lesson: Learned.

I'm sorry, about the whole running off thing... It was a massive mistake... I was stupid, I let this situation get the better of me, and I... Well I paid for it...

It wasn't Joel who I followed... It was Wolf... ... I can't explain it. A different Wolf...

If I had to give a guess. He was about the same height as the one who attacked Elaine... The escapee wolf.

I... I was so convinced... I let him close to me...

It was just pain. Not as bad as the torture when I lost my finger, but... It was bad... I... I heard shouting... Fighting...

It's all a blur. I feel so vague, I'm not trying to be. But I honestly don't remember much...

There was a moment when I was drifting in and out of consciousness and I could have sworn it was the other Wolf carrying me...

That would explain the severed fingers and the katana...

He knew I did kendo. Admittedly it's not quite the same as actual sword fighting, but it'd give me some kind of proficiency with it.

I... I don't know..

I'll look at the everything later...

I'm sick of this...

All of that shit happening at Return to Slender has me terrified.
The fact that Wolf is killing anyone who fucking reminds him of me, is down right disturbing, and all in all, making me bear the guilt for the both of us
And the power outage.
And nightmares again.
And everything else...

I'm walking about now, just a little bit because each time I stand up, it feels like I have to sit down again... I'm just restless. I can lie down for a few days, but eventually I have to do things...

I want to get training again really. Relearn with the Katana.

Because I know what I have to do now. My Joel is dead. I don't care anymore...


Sunday, 14 August 2011

Back to work.

Lucas is only injured
I ensured that.
His life is mine to defend
and even though my life belongs to Master,
defend it I shall.
I hope he enjoyed the presents I gave him.
The sword was the one I took from John Smith.
It calls itself "Battle Ready."
So I assume it can be used in combat without posing a danger.

And the fingers.

They were what my love is missing.
I want him to know he's not alone.
Even if he feels I've deserted him.
We all know how easily embarrassed 
he gets when you look at his finger. 

Lucas isn't strange
or unusual
or unnatural

I want him to know that there are
who are just like him.
Talking of being just like him, I met a woman,
quiet, bookish.
She was thirty something
she was sweet, worked in a library.

Green eyes and mousy brown hair,
pulled back into a ponytail.
Whenever she was thinking about something,
I noticed she would touch her glasses.

Anything to distract her from the Wolf
who also had an interest in Jane Eyre
and Master.

I think she was surprised 
when I pointed the revolver at her 
and led her to a bridge.

I then told her if she didn't bite her finger off,
I would push her.
To give her credit, she tried.
But I'd kind of gagged her.

The height broke her legs.
The gag muffled the scream.

I joined her at the bottom,
and put the barrel of the gun against her forehead.
I took her finger as payment for ending her life.

I shall have another gift for my love when I return.

The Big Bad Wolf