Sunday, 23 October 2011

Wolf isn't gone...

I thought there was a chance I could repress that part of me inside my head.

I remember everything I did. Fifteen people are dead because of me, one more handed over to Him to do who knows what to. That little girl may as well be dead...

What's worse... That I killed them, or that I killed them because they reminded me of Lucas?

I can't hand myself in... I don't want to die. Not now. I have so much to live for. Lucas and Josh being the main ones. Plus I just got my life back.

Well... That's about how I am right now.

I'm alive.
It feels good.
I feel guilty as fuck.

A couple of days ago now, I lost it. You can read about what happened here and here.

Long story short, I let Wolf take over at the wrong moment and almost stabbed Michael whilst he was in a state himself. I dropped the ball and it won't happen again. I'm working on getting that urge away, getting Wolf so far into the back of my head that I forget he exists. Maybe then that'll work.

As of today, we apologised to each other and all is well again. Kinda.


Lucas has been in a mood recently. After the lock down and finding out what happened to me, he's been in the kind of mood it takes more than a dearly beloved to get out of. I think he needs to just do something, anything. He has a lot of scars in a lot of places.

On the bright side, his hands are healing nicely. (It must be the good food here.) I'd guess the stitches should be out soon. He heals pretty fast, but apparently his hands are going to be far weaker as a general rule. He was so lucky that his flexor tendon's weren't hurt too badly. Stretched but not torn. He's got reasonable movement in his fingers, grip... Not so much in the effected fingers, but he's working on it.

He tries to be brave, but it doesn't stop him waking up screaming at 4 AM... I wish I could have been there to help him. I really do. All I can do is tell him it was just a dream and that I'm never going to leave his side again.

And that is the truth. I'm with him 'til I die.



  1. Fuck... Lucas...
    I'll see about putting something together.
    You two hang in there.

  2. It's not his fault Lucas.
    You want to blame someone?
    I'm right here. Feel free.

  3. Wat...

    Fucking hell Joel, you and I need a chat about what needs to be shared with everyone. My hands, fine. But the rest?

    Fuck you Joel. Fuck you with a lamp post.

    And Michael, it's not you or the whole lock down that's the problem. I thought I had my Joel back and didn't know he could slip back into Wolf so easily.

  4. Darkness leaves scars. It's hard to heal from that sort of thing. Joel is Joel. But Wolf will always be behind him.

    The thing is, Joel is stronger than Wolf. He will win out. The Mad Ventriloquist has trust in him.

    He wishes both Lucas and Joel good luck. He likes them very much.

    He also realized that since they are in the same house The Mad Ventriloquist could have just said this. But he likes the internet.

  5. ... Lucas, get the fucking stick out of your ass. And here I thought you were better than this; when this first happened, you refused to give up on him, but when the going gets tough you seem to get going.

    You little shit. Wake up! You're lucky that he came back at all. There's going to be slips. If you didn't already realize that, you're a complete idiot.

    You're a decent kid, Lucas, but get your ass back into reality. Thinking everything was perfect, thinking that everything is going to be perfect; it can only end in tragedy.

    And in that case, it's all your own god damn fault.

  6. Yeah... I know... I am a complete idiot. I fucking realise that.

    We sorted everything out last night. Let's leave it at that until I get round to do a post.

  7. I should have said this on the other post, but...

    I am so, so glad that you are happy(happier?). It is ridiculously easy to smile when I read what you write, even when its sad or distraught or something that I would probably be better off not knowing about. Because..

    You are just a wonderful person. I wish the best of luck to you and Joel. I really, really want to see you two happy.