I thought there was a chance I could repress that part of me inside my head.
I remember everything I did. Fifteen people are dead because of me, one more handed over to Him to do who knows what to. That little girl may as well be dead...
What's worse... That I killed them, or that I killed them because they reminded me of Lucas?
I can't hand myself in... I don't want to die. Not now. I have so much to live for. Lucas and Josh being the main ones. Plus I just got my life back.
Well... That's about how I am right now.
It feels good.
I feel guilty as fuck.
A couple of days ago now, I lost it. You can read about what happened here and here.
Long story short, I let Wolf take over at the wrong moment and almost stabbed Michael whilst he was in a state himself. I dropped the ball and it won't happen again. I'm working on getting that urge away, getting Wolf so far into the back of my head that I forget he exists. Maybe then that'll work.
As of today, we apologised to each other and all is well again. Kinda.
Lucas has been in a mood recently. After the lock down and finding out what happened to me, he's been in the kind of mood it takes more than a dearly beloved to get out of. I think he needs to just do something, anything. He has a lot of scars in a lot of places.
On the bright side, his hands are healing nicely. (It must be the good food here.) I'd guess the stitches should be out soon. He heals pretty fast, but apparently his hands are going to be far weaker as a general rule. He was so lucky that his flexor tendon's weren't hurt too badly. Stretched but not torn. He's got reasonable movement in his fingers, grip... Not so much in the effected fingers, but he's working on it.
He tries to be brave, but it doesn't stop him waking up screaming at 4 AM... I wish I could have been there to help him. I really do. All I can do is tell him it was just a dream and that I'm never going to leave his side again.
And that is the truth. I'm with him 'til I die.