The beach!

Shit... I feel infected, dirty, disgusting, corrupt, any other adjective that escapes me and means something similar. But I'm at the beach, we spent today there. Swimming, (the salt is a little painful on my shoulder but it's nice to feel water again,) laughing or just holding hands listening to the wax and wane of the sea. I don't care it was cold, but there is something about being here, (possibly the sea air,) that makes me feel wonderful. I'm happy for the first time in a good long time, and no amount of fog can stop me! (Definitely the sea air.)

The sea always excites my curiosity, sure we can think of the massiveness of the sun or the universe. But why do we look up, when we don't even know what is at the bottom of the ocean? It's only been extremely recently, that engineering has allowed us to make subs which can withstand the extreme pressures involved. It was what I wanted to explore when I was youngest.

Of course that was a stupid idea, I would never be allowed to go down there myself, but the sea gave me an idea. I want to understand why.

Why does Slenderman Kill some, Hallow others, and Proxify the rest? Why are we the poor sods who have to keep running? And why do I keep having this fog since being kidnapped?

I know I'm most likely losing my sanity, I need to get myself together again. I am me. I refuse to be anyone else. I keep saying my name, over and over again in my head, maybe help become a bit more of an early warning system. A way of getting out of there before it gets too bad. Like it did that night...

I don't remember waking Joel up, or typing any of it. JOEL HAS ICECREAM!

God I'm such a kid sometimes. =3

~Lucas

Loss

I think I'm ready to talk about it now, my side of the story... Joel is catching up on sleep on the coach. We take turns, a couple of hours at a time.  It's still a bit of a blur, memories do that kind of thing I guess.

I told Joel to wait outside the house. I wasn't out to them, so going in and saying. "Hi this is my boyfriend." Was probably not a good idea... I walked inside and there was blood, and the smell, like they had been dead for days when I'd only left them a couple of hours before.

I knew deep down that the Slenderfuck had gotten them, but I didn't quite believe it. Like, I could imagine my mum in the kitchen, cooking two tuna steaks. It was one of the first times I ate fish, I was about five and had to go to hospital because I got a bone lodged in my throat. Or my brother, how we shared a room for so long because the other one was full of










Sorry.

I can't think about it still without getting all torn up about it...

The thing is, this is really the first time I've been so close to death and what happened to them... I never had any pets, my family were really the only people I got to know. I'm not exactly good at making friends. My family was everything and Slenderman took it away.

Well... They were there, as Joel said. I saw them, didn't even have a chance to cry out. Wolf had me.I could feel this rubbery mask against me and the knife against my neck, it cut but not deeply. Self preservation and pain kept me from struggling.

Then we went outside, Joel having found us. It's been said before so I won't tell you what happened...
Only I didn't see the Slenderman behind Joel like he said he saw, I just saw him run away as I screamed for him to save me.

I can't remember much else, I remember waking up in a warehouse, spending a week in there, (There was a clock by the door. It was the only way I could keep myself busy.) dreading each time the Wolf came in because he was angry and spent a few hours with his knife with me...  Wolf is not the kind of Proxy you can shoot the breeze with. All I know is that he's strong, fucking intelligent, but he relies on basic instincts and his love for his Slendy.

I got out of the warehouse once, a couple of days in or so. I got to the forest, took a step inside and suddenly I was back in the chair, wolf pulling the mask up enough to reveal his mouth and getting a grip on my finger... Then screaming pain... I didn't try and run again... I saw Slenderfuck a couple of times too, he just stood there in front of me, I occasionally felt him touch me, but he never hurt me like Wolf did...

I'm aware that only a day or so passed outside. So I guess this counts as gained time instead of lost time...

But that's my part of the story... After Slendy touched me, I've been getting this fog, like all of my senses are dulled and I can't focus. It feels periodic, just a gentle throb of numbness, overwhelming me. I've heard that other runners get that feeling, a sort of static or fog inside their heads. But at the same time... My family were murdered because of me and I guess dreaming your way through life is an effective coping mechanism...

Joel is the only person I have left, he deserves more than what I am currently. But if this little mission of ours works and we both don't end up dead, tortured, or worse. We can get somewhere we can help.

Stay safe everyone, we certainly aren't. =D

~Lucas

Faith.

I had a note pushed under my door tonight. I don't know what to think about it. All it said was "Faith."

Faith.

What about faith? I have faith in my family, that they love me, I have faith in Joel, that we'll see each other again. I have faith in-

Ah.

There is one place that I have been lacking in faith. Christianity.

When I first started liking guys, I pushed it back in my head. My religion said it was wrong, I believed everything else, I pushed it back, I repressed myself.

I repressed myself and it broke me. I didn't stop liking guys, I refused to like guys. I listened to sermons, and I sung to all the hymns and songs and I listened to them saying. "Be the best you can be." Or "God loves you personally." And silently hearing after it. "As long as you're not gay." 


Then one day, I stood up, made a big deal of getting my coat and gloves on, (It was winter,) and I walked out during the sermon, slamming the door. A few days later I came out and I had NEVER felt so free in my life. The vicar used a story, and it made me truly angry. It was about someone who came into the church, must have been a good ten or twenty years before. (The guy is ancient.)

She was a woman who said she wanted to know God. She went into church and felt the spirit around her. But when she got talking to the parishioners, they all told her she had to stop being with her female partner. She was in love with her, but she wanted to know this God she felt whilst she was in church.

So she asked her pastor.

Who told her that homosexuality was a sin. And that if she ever wanted to know the love of god, then she would have to split up with her girlfriend. So she left. She didn't want to split up with her girlfriend in search of some god who may or may not bring her happiness.

I'm sure there was a point, something like "There will always be people who refuse the word of god." But to be honest, they asked her to choose between a love she was familiar with, and a love that may or may not even be there and she hardly knew about.

That in my eyes, is one good way of being a bad human being, let alone a Christian.

But faith, what I believe in, what I get strength from. I get strength from God, I get strength from family, I get strength from Joel, I get strength from feeling like I'm not alone, like I have some semblance of belonging.

Well... Enough spilling everything about me. Dammit I need stop fucking crying.

I'll be better tomorrow, less emotional and stressed I guess. I finish my meds, I'll go out for the first time in what feels like weeks, it'll be a good day. :)

~Lucas

Well Date #2, here I come!

My cough still hasn't gone away, (It's been a week or so since I started coughing.) but considering that I don't have any other symptoms, I've been generally going on as business as usual. Really though, it's simply because I'm well enough to work, but not well enough to think straight. School seems to be the main reason I'm suffering though, lots of moving around outside seems to make my cough terrible. That plus exam stress means that I am likely not getting rid of this one until after late June...

Well, either way, I wasn't going to let some cough get between my meeting up with Joel on friday, dinner and a movie, just like him to be so sweet... Though a curious thing happened... The both of us went to the supermarket, got some food, and as we were walking back it was dark. I was coughing my way down the road, as usual, when Joel took my hand suddenly and led me down a side road... "Don't panic." He said, his face had grown pale, and the tightness of how he squeezed my hand had me clearly in the knowledge he was scared of something.

I was curious as to what.

"Nothing you need to worry about hun."

"Nothing I need to- OF COURSE I need to worry about it, you were perfectly jokey and relaxed a second ago. Then you suddenly went all protective and doubled our overall walking distance... If you're being scared by someone, you need to talk about it!" Well, at least that was what I thought anyway... I didn't say it, it didn't seem like the right time to say...

If it's a prank, I'm gonna tell him to lay off, at least whilst my immune system is fucked. If it isn't and someone's really scaring him then I'll get involved, the area he lives isn't exactly known for being pro-gay. If someone found out about us, he could be in a bit of trouble...

Apart from that, I had a good friday 13th, and a very very good saturday 14th. ^_^;

I'm gonna get some sleep before I start coughing again.

Night all.

News just in...

I am a tiny bit out of breath still, not sure what to think... Either way, my head is pounding right now, I can't stop coughing. I'm gonna get this typed up then I'm going to try and sleep it off. It's 11:00 PM over here right as I type this just so we're clear.

Well, I was walking home from Joel's house about twenty minutes before now, he'd invited a few friends over and we were making polite conversation and watching youtube videos on his bed, fraping him. He seemed a little more chirpy tonight, less scared, and so it was all pretty fun. Well, yes, walking home, yeah. I normally take a short cut, but it was darker than usual when I took it, like the walls were closing in on me, it never felt that way before...

Well, I've been doing a good job trying not to get freaked out by this whole thing. I still am certain Joel is somehow behind this. But, I guess circumstances got the better of me... I heard a scream. Something about the way it echoed off the walls in this alleyway, made me shiver.

I turned around sharply looking for the source, but saw nothing. Momentum carried me forward still, and I turned around. It was then that I felt the need to get out of that situation, so I ran, I fucking ran away from what was nothing...

Probably what creeped me out more was that I commented on this guy. The Executor or something equally threatening. And I asked why I should believe him...

Dammit Joel, stop fucking trying to scare me? I ran. Happy now? You made me feel afraid. You can stop trying to creep me out...

Night all.

Lucas

That was... *ahem*

Well, the date was damn fun, even though the weather didn't hold out and we both ended up utterly soaked. We got milkshakes. We chatted a bit, but yeah, I had a great time... And well, he invited me over to his place and well... Yeah... We had a cuddle. Then we watched a movie. He was the perfect gentleman.


He had a cough though and I'm starting to get it, I guess he must have infected me. Also, does anyone know what this means?  "⊗" I saw it on his arm, drawn in pen or something but forgot to ask... 


Buh byesssss!

IMMA FIRIN MAH LAZORR RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRkfhdwnmanhfj.

I really do need to post here more often... And.. Well.. I've been ignoring the whole Slenderman thing, where I've almost finished planning my slenderblog. Maybe eventually I'll post the link here... Maybe not though... I dunno... I guess I've been distracted with exams... Perhaps I should make this a personal blog/vent about exams until I have finished them, and then maybe get back to getting into the very start.

Also Also ALSO! This guy I was talking about before... Well, he asked me on a date, and I kind of said yes and I didn't really know what to say and he hugged me and I felt all warm and fuzzy inside, but at the same time, he seemed a little awkward, like he wasn't in it. I dunno, it felt like he was looking over my shoulder. Meh, hopefully I'll give you a report in a few days time on the more personal front. (I.E. After coffee with cute-kinda-emo-kinda-gothy-kinda-quirky guy. Oh lawd, I hope he's not reading this...)

Buh byes!

Hey look, a blog update that's loosely related to the slenderblog!

Yeah, yeah, I know, update the blog update the blog.

Well I finally took some pictures of the notebook, uploading them on here, like a boss. The drawing, well, I am sure I drew it, it looks like my (crap) handiwork, but at the same time, it's a little odd that I don't remember drawing it.

Also. I met a guy! Or rather he met me, he saw me on my own in a coffee shop, practically sat down on my lap and asked what I was doing. He seemed pretty interested that I was into this whole Slenderman thing. Well... After hours of conversation, we exchanged phone numbers and emails and we were on our way. He's cute in his own way, not really gothy but has that air about him. One thing that made me wonder though, was that he was clearly flirting with me... 

I want to know what made him think I was gay though. Like, when I came out, almost everyone I knew was surprised and the couple who I opened up to earlier, maybe alluded to my sexuality were... Well... They didn't show surprise and were pretty accepting... The point is, that I don't think I ooze gayness, I'm not the kind of guy who limp wristedly prances around in a spice girls t-shirt, and at the same time he just sort of knew! Perhaps he just had a good gaydar...

Mine is crap, but that's another story. We'll see what happens with him later I guess. I mean it's not like I'm going to fall passionately in love with a guy I only just met. Plus I've got exams to worry about...

Laters Blogge people.