Monday, 28 November 2011

Best Birthday Ever.

Happy birthday to me.
Twenty fucking years.

New York is bitterly cold,

We found wolf, he was on the rooftop we were on back in this post. He wasn't alone, he was flanked by our friends in the hoodies.

"Will you help me?" Joel said softly.

Then they tried to bum rush us.

Apparently we've gotten far better since then. At fighting anyway... I had my katana out and ready... I... I killed someone again. Sliced the blade along her stomach, watched her vital organs spill out. I... I admired it. A thing of beauty.

I'm sorry Elaine, it did get easier after all. After I killed Josh, (Joel decided that he'd deal with it...) after that kid at the wedding. It comes easily to me.

The other got close enough and he had me by the neck, I tripped and fell back. Joel just leaned down and shot him in the head point blanc range.

My ears were ringing as I tried to pull myself up. All I could do was watch.

I... They talked about something, and then Mario shot, and Joel... Joel shot better. As I got my hearing back, he looked at me. For the first time I saw something wrong in his eyes, more than the fact he had taken a gunshot to his knuckle.... I was so worried about him bleeding, but at the same time I just knew.

Joel. He looked at me. It wasn't just a look though, it was a stare. More than his predatory thing he had going on. It was cold. He didn't love me.

I don't know how long he was acting like he did, I don't know any more. After we left Hope, he kind of dropped the pretence...

He trained the gun on me.

He said "two wolves left."

I couldn't run, I was on a rooftop in the cold for gods sake...

I ran at him, I don't know where my sword went.

We wrestled.

Joel's now on the floor, the gun went off. He was bleeding, it was slow. Painful. He begged me to kill him. I... And then I couldn't. I just held him, I held my lover.

He told me he loved me and I don't know if I believed him or not. He tried to kill me, but his last words were of love.

I... Fuck... Why am I so calm? Am I that fucking desensitised?

What kind of monsters are you? Some of you are reading this for fun I bet...


I'm sorry.

I cried for hours, I don't know if I can cry anym

And now Ember has come to join me.

There is no point running. I have no one to run with.

I'm alone.

Those words, they chill me to the core. "Alone." Two syllables, five letters. They terrify me. I can't imagine a life without Joel. The Joel I knew, the one who didn't hit me, or have to fight wolf every minute of every hour of every day. I... I want the man I loved back. I miss him so much.


I know very little about Ember, physically I don't even know if he/she is a guy or a girl, gay or straight. But at the same time, I am glad it is him/her who is doing it. Ember won't torture me, or hurt me too badly. I'm so scared of dying, I get doubts in my own faith. The one thing I'm meant to have above all else...

I just... I just know I will be dead when I am finished with this post. Slenderman's here, right by Ember's shoulder. I don't think he/she even notices. He's just watching me.

I stare at Him and He tilts His head. Like He doesn't understand... Maybe that's it... He doesn't "get it." Maybe what He's doing... Maybe it isn't bad or good. Maybe it's just different... Like runners and proxies.

Runners do evil things, almost as often as proxies... The only difference is that one believes they are against Him, and the other is for Him... Maybe that's it.

Why the hell am I getting these revelations now? Seems a ridiculous time to get them. Though when your life flashes before your eyes, you're bound to get some kind of inspiration.

Anyway, stiff upper lip and all that. I'll see you all in whatever comes after.


Sunday, 27 November 2011

Come on then my wolves.

Tonight. You know where.

Let's see if I can help you stop hurting him.


Friday, 25 November 2011


I heard this thing that on islands temperatures feel far lower than they actually are. The fact that there lots of water means lots of wind chill. So you get Russians who feel a similar kind of cold in 0 degrees in the uk, compared to -10/-20 degrees in Russia.  I don't know if it's true or not though, so I could be completely bullshitting you.

And the thing is, it's beautiful weather in NY right now, clear skies. It's pretty. Just 13-15 degrees. (It feels colder than it is.)

I missed the noise really.

New York City makes me feel really small.

So yes, Joel and I ended up getting coats. Hoodies aren't enough any more really.

Joel got a great coat and

You know what? No. I can't let it affect me, I need to talk about it I guess.

I've not been sleeping since it happened. Josh... I remember the blood, and Joel saying he would sort it. He's not looked at me the same since...

God I'm sorry.

You know that spot, the corner of your eye. Sometimes I see Him there. If I turn to look at Him, He's gone. He just watches me, tall, dark and faceless. I don't feel danger, or fog. I... I feel clarity.

It... It feels good to be able to think straight, even if it's because Our Mutual Observer is around... I need it, otherwise I can't even think, I'm just so filled with guilt, what ifs...


Thursday, 24 November 2011

I don't know what to say...
It's all my fault.
I should have stopped him.
Josh is dead.

I killed him.
It was my watch.
Josh must have gotten up.

The door opened.
I saw Him...
I saw his face.

He had no face.

Lucas had to pull me off of him apparently.
Josh was dead.
Stabbed over and over again...

We are stealing a car.
I need to get this done.

I need to find Mario and get help...

I can't keep like this.

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Well, we caught him finally.

Joel was not amused today. We caught him at the bus station. It's really quite funny how he looked at me and Josh and the first thing he said was: "Why the fuck did you bring Josh along?"

Of course he was pissed as well.

I had to break up the argument before it began and said simply. "Don't you read Elaine's blog?"

Joel looked at me and sighed. "Look, where I'm going is dangerous. I don't want either of you hurt."

"Too fucking late."

He didn't get on that bus, instead we are now in a motel room. Joel looks like he's seen a ghost, and besides. We need to get coats. It's pretty cold in NYC right now, and it's pretty cold where we are. Hoodies won't do it anymore.

So yes, we're all safe right now.

Well, as safe as life on the road can be. I was honestly expecting to be picked off at the bus station by some random hoodie with a knife.

Turns out I was pretty lucky, and...

You know.

Didn't die, armed with a Katana I have to keep concealed.

I don't wish to cause a fuss really, I am sure I could quote laws, but katanas are apparently weapons and wearing them in public is just going to cause a fuss. I had a fabric case for it before, and I just wear it over my shoulder.

So yeah. We're together. We're safe. Lucky us.


Monday, 21 November 2011

So... Joel pulled a Joel...

Hey, just at a Cybercafe in town, waiting for a bus tonight. Joel apparently took the one earlier. God dammit. 

Do you guys watch NCIS? Where Tony or Ziva talk about Jethro Gibbs and suddenly he's right behind them?

Well, Joel does something similar, only he vanishes into thin air when people talk about him, and, well, Josh and I are on his tail. I read the email location, we're going to try and catch him on the way. Not saying where for obvious reasons, but still...

When Josh saw me packing, he literally sat on my bag until I said I'd let him go with me. I'm scared about it, but this is Josh we're talking about, he's capable enough. And scrappy, he's scrappy for a thirteen year old. 
True story.

So yeah, I'm kinda glad he's got my back.

Elaine, thank you for giving us a place to stay, a place to heal. You have no idea how much it means to me. You've saved my life, god, twice now for letting us stay. Probably more. You gave me hope.

Well, yeah. 

That's about it.

I'd better stop being on a computer, money's never unlimited.

Keep Running, Ladies and Gentlemen.


Sunday, 20 November 2011


I heard about the bruises you give him,
the ones he tries to hide from everyone around.
Don't deny it.
You hit him regularly.

Sometimes he deserves it for shooting his mouth off.
Or trying to hurt you.
But sometimes it is just rage.
You can't control it so you lash out.

Sound familiar?

You will have received an email.
A location.
I can help you Joel,
I can help you control it.

I have gotten better.
You hate hurting Lucas,
don't you?

Let me show you how to stop.
I still know Lucas is better off with me.
But I want him happy.
He has made it clear now.

I am not enough for him.

And if I am not enough for him..

How can I be enough for Master?

The Big Ba


Saturday, 12 November 2011

Turns out things could be worse.

Lucas posted yesterday that he could be worse off.

I suppose I am.

Our fights have been getting worse, any effort to keep Lucas in check is getting less and less likely to work. And... I think I am struggling to keep myself in check as well.

We fought yesterday on a stairwell, Lis saw us... Or rather, she saw me choke him 'till he almost passed out... I remember feeling my hands around his neck, how good it felt... How easily I could take his life away... Then I snapped out of it and ran.

We kissed and made up after but I don't wanna be like Mario, I really don't.

I'm not...

I'm not an abusive person.

I swear I'm not.

I swear it on his life.


Wednesday, 9 November 2011

I think it's safe to say I could be worse.

It's Lucas here.

I read Mario's post yesterday morning.

It felt better than it should have. At least now I know what the fuck he's doing.

That nagging thought at the back of my mind is gone. Now it's right at the forefront.

Wolf is still alive. (Much to my distaste.)

Elaine has gone off to save those students.

And these lovely people are looking after us at hope.

That's about it...


Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Did the.
scare you?

I'll rescue you if you want me to.
Just like last time.

I'll be your white knight.
Think about it, where was Joel when you were attacked?
He was on the other side of the country,

killing people who don't matter.

I was the one to pull you away,
the one to rescue you and
the one to get you into safety.

I welcomed you into the family with open arms.

You matter Lucas, you really do.

You don't understand yet.

You will.

You will.

My love.

Monday, 7 November 2011

So, Lucas is a swinger apparently.

Heh, they'll both kill me for that one. Hi! It's Josh here again, back for another cool time writing the blog.

What you missed:

  • Cat fights between The Gays.
  • Lucas getting a sword.
  • More Cat Fights.
  • Me getting on Joel's nerves with Nyan Cat.
  • Me beating Lucas at Super Smash Brothers.
  • Did I mention cat fights?
Ok... Where do I start?

So, I've been left on my own quite a lot in Hope, I don't mind it, but when Joel and Lucas fight, I'm glad of it. Apparently the kids don't like it when mommy and daddy fight. Especially when both of them have Wolf. I don't like being around them that often. It upsets me.

Although the fights got less bad when Lucas got the sword. He's been practising every day gripping it. Trying to focus that pent up rage into the sword itself. Seems to be working.

Although they were arguing about Thuggee before. Lucas wanted us to run. Joel didn't, trying to reassure him that everything was okay. Eventually Joel won, but Lucas is still scared. You can see it in how he acts. He's not a fighter any more, I doubt he ever was. 

He's just as scared as I was before I met them. If you mention the guy to him, he starts trembling, scratching at the back of his neck, looking like all he wants to do is curl up into a ball. I feel really sorry for him. I really do.

Either way, he's been working on it, training himself up. I just watch him, watch the movements. You should have seen how excited he was when he managed to stop the swing without dropping the Katana. It was like he'd won the lottery.

He's getting better, I don't think he thought he would. But he did.

Also, Lucas, having been trained in the art of Kirby by Grand Master Joel, was defeated in mortal combat by Mario today. I win. I win EVERYTHING! AH HA!


Tuesday, 1 November 2011

So for Halloween I'm going as a...

...scary person with a Katana!

A day late!

That's right ladies and gentlemen! I have a new sword!

Elaine hooked me up with a guy she knew at a ren fair or something like that.

Of course, it's not as personalised as my cricket bat, but it's far nicer than my old sword.

I've been practising holding it again, I can't use it like I used to. My grip is too loose, I tried to swing and my hands were in so much agony that I dropped the sword. But the outside of my wounds have healed. I should finally be out of those stitches I've been trying so hard not to break for such a long time in a couple of days.

Joel and I, we're pretty happy right now. Been going through a rough spot, but I... I think he helped me get this other thing under control. I see why Joel ran, dual personalities sucks when you're only trying to express a single one. Hints of the other bleed through.

I guess it's like why Wolf still was convinced he loved me, that what he was doing for me. Joel bled through.

Plus Josh... Well Josh is being the little hellraiser that he normally is...

Ok, Josh is watching me type slowly, and he told me that he "resents that remark". Yay! I'm teaching him language that isn't swearing!

So yes, the exciting thing in the past week or so is the whole Michael going crazy and leaving and then coming back. It's pretty much summed up here and there isn't much else to say. Bad things happened, and now they're not happening. I'm just happy that things are reasonably quiet right now. Just working on getting my legs back to scratch.

That and I don't know why Michael got angry at me yesterday. I don't get it at all. Is it just conflicting personalities? I mean, I have to joke and keep a sense of humour going, otherwise what else is there?

Meh, I don't get it when shit like that happens.