Happy birthday to me.
Twenty fucking years.
New York is bitterly cold,
We found wolf, he was on the rooftop we were on back in this post. He wasn't alone, he was flanked by our friends in the hoodies.
"Will you help me?" Joel said softly.
Then they tried to bum rush us.
Apparently we've gotten far better since then. At fighting anyway... I had my katana out and ready... I... I killed someone again. Sliced the blade along her stomach, watched her vital organs spill out. I... I admired it. A thing of beauty.
I'm sorry Elaine, it did get easier after all. After I killed Josh, (Joel decided that he'd deal with it...) after that kid at the wedding. It comes easily to me.
The other got close enough and he had me by the neck, I tripped and fell back. Joel just leaned down and shot him in the head point blanc range.
My ears were ringing as I tried to pull myself up. All I could do was watch.
I... They talked about something, and then Mario shot, and Joel... Joel shot better. As I got my hearing back, he looked at me. For the first time I saw something wrong in his eyes, more than the fact he had taken a gunshot to his knuckle.... I was so worried about him bleeding, but at the same time I just knew.
Joel. He looked at me. It wasn't just a look though, it was a stare. More than his predatory thing he had going on. It was cold. He didn't love me.
I don't know how long he was acting like he did, I don't know any more. After we left Hope, he kind of dropped the pretence...
He trained the gun on me.
He said "two wolves left."
I couldn't run, I was on a rooftop in the cold for gods sake...
I ran at him, I don't know where my sword went.
Joel's now on the floor, the gun went off. He was bleeding, it was slow. Painful. He begged me to kill him. I... And then I couldn't. I just held him, I held my lover.
He told me he loved me and I don't know if I believed him or not. He tried to kill me, but his last words were of love.
I... Fuck... Why am I so calm? Am I that fucking desensitised?
What kind of monsters are you? Some of you are reading this for fun I bet...
I cried for hours, I don't know if I can cry anym
And now Ember has come to join me.
There is no point running. I have no one to run with.
Those words, they chill me to the core. "Alone." Two syllables, five letters. They terrify me. I can't imagine a life without Joel. The Joel I knew, the one who didn't hit me, or have to fight wolf every minute of every hour of every day. I... I want the man I loved back. I miss him so much.
I know very little about Ember, physically I don't even know if he/she is a guy or a girl, gay or straight. But at the same time, I am glad it is him/her who is doing it. Ember won't torture me, or hurt me too badly. I'm so scared of dying, I get doubts in my own faith. The one thing I'm meant to have above all else...
I just... I just know I will be dead when I am finished with this post. Slenderman's here, right by Ember's shoulder. I don't think he/she even notices. He's just watching me.
I stare at Him and He tilts His head. Like He doesn't understand... Maybe that's it... He doesn't "get it." Maybe what He's doing... Maybe it isn't bad or good. Maybe it's just different... Like runners and proxies.
Runners do evil things, almost as often as proxies... The only difference is that one believes they are against Him, and the other is for Him... Maybe that's it.
Why the hell am I getting these revelations now? Seems a ridiculous time to get them. Though when your life flashes before your eyes, you're bound to get some kind of inspiration.
Anyway, stiff upper lip and all that. I'll see you all in whatever comes after.