Time to tell you all about what I told Joel a couple of days ago.
There have been two things that happened that have put me in this mess I am right now really. The first one was... Well... What I said in the last post. The second one was something that happened at the wedding.
There were proxies, and explosions, and so much chaos. I tried helping people treat wounds, but that proved not so helpful considering I didn't have anything on me, and there were only really cuts and scrapes to deal with. It was then that I heard the whole commotion coming from the hall.
I saw August, Spence, and Elaine getting into a brawl and, it was stupid, but I kind of wanted to prove to myself that I was tired of being this damsel for Joel to rescue. I had a knife, one of them ran at me with a knife of their own and I stabbed them. I heard the knife clatter to the floor and everything just slowed. It was his voice as he cried out from behind the mask. He was younger than me.
I mean, I know that I'm not exactly the youngest guy to see Slendy, but I stabbed him in the gut, a kid, a scared kid. I could feel blood on my hands, I still do when I think about it. I just held him, laying him down on his back and pulling the mask off. He couldn't have been older than sixteen and I murdered him. When I saw his face, he just looked at me. Like I was stupid for rejecting their "Father's Love."
Then he stopped breathing.
That was the first time I'd taken a life. Ever. And it was a kid.
I don't even know his name.
I don't know what scares me more. That I killed someone. Or that I can't get five words out of my head.
"One down, more to go."
~Lucas
Shit, Lucas.
ReplyDeleteYou're not a killer. Don't let it get to your head. You are not a killer. A bad thing happened. That's all. Don't forget.
~Elaine
Whenever you think "One down, more to go," think of pieces of candy, or jolly ranchers, or maybe potato chips. It's the Lays slogan, after all: betcha can't eat just one! You ate one potato chip, and now you want some more. That's what the words mean. Nothing else.
ReplyDeleteOkay Dysis is stealing my laptop for this comment.
ReplyDeleteKid, this is the hard part. It never feels good to kill someone, it's never nice, but sometimes its necessary. Especially when we're in this awful fucking situation. I'm sure you were just as scared as that kid was. Sometimes your psyche finds a way to cope with what you've done. You feel guilty still. And that's whats important. You're not a murderer or a killer. You were just defending yourself.
Take care of yourself, kid.
-Dysis
I am not a potato chip.
ReplyDeleteDon't know what to say to you, Lucas. Wanting to stay alive isn't something I can condemn. Not without being a hypocrite.
Elaine: Isn't the definition of a killer, someone who kills? I don't want to repeat how this feels though...
ReplyDeleteHakurei: I actually laughed at that. :) I'll try and keep that in mind whenever I think it. Thanks.
Dysis: I find I agree in principle, but in practice it's difficult to convince myself. I keep telling myself that he had a knife and he would have stabbed me first. But yeah, I need to get my head sorted.
Atalanta: Staying alive isn't something I can condemn either. It just doesn't help when the thin guy would rather you didn't.
There's a difference between self defense and plain murder. Just don't think yourself into something you aren't and things should be all right
ReplyDeleteI'm trying not to Jetex. But it's the kind of thing that stays with you.
ReplyDeleteHopefully I'll never have to do it again.
The difference, Lucas, is that a true killer would do it again without worrying about it. Let me ask you this. Would you kill again, if you knew there was another way?
ReplyDeleteThe answer there determines whether or not you are a real killer.
I... I don't know.
ReplyDeleteI don't fucking know.
Dont let it stick with you
ReplyDeleteit will only drive you mad
in the end your actions justified your survival and the survival of innocents that is all that matters