Sunday, 31 July 2011

I somehow am in Orlando Florida. I have one thing to say about that. The fuck? I had a little bit of money, so I bought a burger and tried to work out where I'm going to go. I'm planning on heading west, but I have to do it all at night, during the day I'm just too tired to function.

I also had a look at the revolver, it's apparently a .357 Colt Python. I got that from the fact it said "Python .357" on the barrel, a horse above the... Shit, what do you call that handle thing? I also have 22 bullets, I used two to shoot chav boy. It's a beast of a gun, feels heavy, but not too difficult to stash in a waistband. I don't like guns, but it's better than getting shot at and not being able to fight back.

I've not blacked out at all since last time. Nor have I killed any people. Hakurei is right, it is a choice, but it's difficult. Before this happened, every so often, I'd have this... This itch. I'd look at someone and just suddenly think of them dead. But since seeing Keith... It's gotten bigger, more difficult to control. After that family died... The itch was gone, scratched.

Last night I saw a cat... Just in the street. They called her Nancy, at least that was on the collar's tag. She must have belonged to a family in the area, because she was sociable enough. So I petted her for a little while, I sat down crosslegged on the sidewalk and she ended up on my lap, purring contentedly.

I then took a hold of her neck and just twisted. I could feel it's vertebrae just crack and break and snap and it felt oh so good and I HATE IT. Every sinew of my body just wants to destroy something, to break something, but I don't want to do it.

I've been scratching at my forefinger with my thumbnail to the point it's bloody, it's been helping a little bit, the pain focuses me. I laid the cat out in the road, hopefully the family would just think she got hit by a car. Talking of cars, I need to steal one, I need to see you Lucas, one last time before I kill again.

At what point does a man become a monster?



  1. Joel... As long as you keep using that name, you're not a monster to me. Keep fighting it, please keep fighting it.


  2. I promise you, it's not too late until you give up. Just keep fighting. Hang in there. Practice what I taught you, it might help keep this shit at bay.
    There's a lot of things I wish I could tell you... privately. As it stands, just know that you are not a monster.

  3. You wouldn't be questioning any of this if you were a monster.

  4. Hold off on scratching the itch for as long as you possibly can. When you feel like you might go insane from wanting, then go find another cat, or some other animal. It's only a stopgap measure, but it'll buy you some time.

    Also, get a small bean bag to fiddle with. The beads inside can simulate that crunching feeling, I think.

  5. An itch. That's what Maurice called it too. I can't relate, not really. That doesn't happen during my half.

    I can relate to being tired all day, though. It sucks.

  6. A man becomes a monster when he stops trying to be a man.

  7. I have to agree with the others. You're not a monster until you stop caring. Any chance you could get like... chicken bones or something and try crunching them? See if it helps?

  8. ... I want to say that you can fight against this, that you're better than this, that this isn't you and that this isn't who you have to be.

    I'm not sure I can say that.

    What I can say is that who you are can hate what you've done. And you don't need to lose that.
    Keep fighting, Joel. As long as you have that name, you're still you.


    Don't let them take that away from you.