Faith.

I had a note pushed under my door tonight. I don't know what to think about it. All it said was "Faith."

Faith.

What about faith? I have faith in my family, that they love me, I have faith in Joel, that we'll see each other again. I have faith in-

Ah.

There is one place that I have been lacking in faith. Christianity.

When I first started liking guys, I pushed it back in my head. My religion said it was wrong, I believed everything else, I pushed it back, I repressed myself.

I repressed myself and it broke me. I didn't stop liking guys, I refused to like guys. I listened to sermons, and I sung to all the hymns and songs and I listened to them saying. "Be the best you can be." Or "God loves you personally." And silently hearing after it. "As long as you're not gay." 


Then one day, I stood up, made a big deal of getting my coat and gloves on, (It was winter,) and I walked out during the sermon, slamming the door. A few days later I came out and I had NEVER felt so free in my life. The vicar used a story, and it made me truly angry. It was about someone who came into the church, must have been a good ten or twenty years before. (The guy is ancient.)

She was a woman who said she wanted to know God. She went into church and felt the spirit around her. But when she got talking to the parishioners, they all told her she had to stop being with her female partner. She was in love with her, but she wanted to know this God she felt whilst she was in church.

So she asked her pastor.

Who told her that homosexuality was a sin. And that if she ever wanted to know the love of god, then she would have to split up with her girlfriend. So she left. She didn't want to split up with her girlfriend in search of some god who may or may not bring her happiness.

I'm sure there was a point, something like "There will always be people who refuse the word of god." But to be honest, they asked her to choose between a love she was familiar with, and a love that may or may not even be there and she hardly knew about.

That in my eyes, is one good way of being a bad human being, let alone a Christian.

But faith, what I believe in, what I get strength from. I get strength from God, I get strength from family, I get strength from Joel, I get strength from feeling like I'm not alone, like I have some semblance of belonging.

Well... Enough spilling everything about me. Dammit I need stop fucking crying.

I'll be better tomorrow, less emotional and stressed I guess. I finish my meds, I'll go out for the first time in what feels like weeks, it'll be a good day. :)

~Lucas