Deadman...

When I first read that post... I didn't know what to do.I've been holed up either in my bedroom, or in the garden, feeling the sun on my face.

It... It feels like a joke, like I'm the butt of some fucking April Fools. I keep looking at it, like maybe he'd coded it.

But nothing.

I am not going to post Joel's part of deadman, and there is a simple reason why: I refuse to admit that Joel is dead. He can't be. I... I'd have felt it. Even if he is Wolf then I'm going to try and rescue him and get my Joel back. Even if I have to whack him with his own wrench to do it.

Joel told me to: "Remember the good times, forget the bad times, and don't ever lose hope that things can get better..."

Or something like that anyway...

Is it silly I'm having these little "Remember whens" to him in my head? Like how he helped me with Cam. But unlike Cam, I'm not mourning him. He doesn't need mourning.

"Remember when you rescued me from getting tortured by Wolf?"
"Remember when we first kissed?"
"Held hands?"
"Realised that we were totally in love?"
"When you held me tight when I was mourning my family?"
"When you ran away to try and protect me?"
"We never had a normal relationship... Did we?"

And the last one was so true... We met, we fell in love, and we lost each other because of Him... How fucked up is that?

When we get out of this, we are going to have a normal relationship. With dinner dates, and movies, arguments that don't involve psychopath proxies or Eldritch horrors in business suits. We'll eat take out in a little place to call our own and we'll be happy together... Either that or we'll end up breaking up a few weeks later.

If I lose hope that things can be better.

Things can't just can get better. They have to get better, so help me god.

~Lucas